Today was a good day...

Today was a good day. There was nothing extraordinary about today but I came home with a smile on my face, a song on my lips, and exhaustion in my bones. You know the kind of exhaustion that comes from a job well done. What made this day so good? I'll tell you. I no longer work with children.

Don't get me wrong. I love children just as much as the next person. They are funny, cute, and can melt your heart like no one else. They have faults too but they are far outweighed by the great things about kids. But when you spend 40+ hours a week changing poopy diapers and wiping snotty noses of children who are not related to you in any way, it can get old really fast. I'm mean really old and really fast.

I wouldn't take back the experiences I had as a child care worker. I met some really great people. Fell in love with some of the most wonderful little humans. Every family I worked for has a special place in my heart. Those experiences are one of the tools God used to shape me into the person I am today. They taught me patience. They taught me how to remain calm under pressure. They taught me how to think on my feet. They taught me how to deal with people from all walks of life. They helped me to lose my squeamishness about body fluids. They taught me the infinite pricelessness of a smile, a hug, a kiss, a laugh.

But it was time to move on. We want to have our own family some day and I don't want to be caring for other's children while taking care of mine. And my heart was no longer in it. It made me feel old, spinster-like, and purposeless. I just didn't have the desire to do it and I didn't enjoy it any more.

So today was a good day. I had to wait 10 minutes in sub-freezing temperatures for a shuttle bus. I spent 30 minutes on a crowded train squished into a tiny seat next to a complete stranger. Twice. I walked 2 blocks on slippery pavement in the snow. Twice. I spent all day at my computer working on a huge posting that is due Friday. It requires lots of data entry and balancing and I loved every minute of it. I spent 20 minutes sitting on the shuttle because I got to the metro 10 minutes too late for the 5pm shuttle and 20 minutes too early for the 5:30pm shuttle.

So today was a good day. Thanks for reading.

Life, could you be more gentle to me?

2013 has been an unkind year. Tragedy after tragedy seems to be crashing all around us nationally and, if you are human and happen to know other humans, personally. So far this year, I have been witness to the loss of two babies, the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladesh factory collapse, the suicide of a son, the West, TX explosion and most recently, the Moore, OK tornado. We are less than 6 months into this year and, if not for my faith in God Almighty, I would shudder to think what else this year might bring. That is not to say I have not been affected by the loss and grief around me.

Yesterday, I was inexplicably sad. Sad for my country. Sad for the families missing loved ones. Even the silly antics of a 2 year old were only a brief respite from the grief that seemed to wash over me in undulating waves yesterday. I cried for the mothers and fathers who can no longer kiss the soft cheeks of their children. I cried for the families torn apart by death and destruction. I cried for a country so divided all we can do is call each other names like schoolyard bullies. I cried for my friends who have faced the unspeakable. I cried for my failures and frustrations. I cried and I wept.

In my weeping, my soul cried out to God with words I will never be able to speak. I reached to Him like an inconsolable toddler. Unexplainable pain tore at me. Sob after unwanted sob poured from the raw depths of me. Part of my grief was the inability to make every person's suffering stop and the helplessness I feel when I hear about another tragedy, another death, another wound. Relient K's lyrics whispered in the back of my mind. "Life, could you be a littler softer to me? / Life, could you be more gentle me?" In my weeping, I poured it all out in His arms. I had to. The burden was breaking me. My shoulders were splintered from trying to carry the world's misfortunes. And then I slept.

There is still tragedy in the world and there always will be as long as we are on this earth but there is hope in the hopelessness. Whether you believe in Him or not, God is still here and He is still in control. He is our Great Healer, our Comforter, our Father and our King. I can't tell you why children die or why lives are destroyed but I can tell you that there is hope and there is peace. Strength comes when it is needed. Good things still happen. Pain is a part of life but we can choose to push through and trust that God will bring us out of it. Am I still sad? Yes. But today I rest in the thought that I am a child of God and He loves me more than I will ever know. Until I am with Him in heaven, that will be enough for me. Thanks for reading.

Something beautiful...

As I was working out on the elliptical trying to shed these pesky last ten pounds, wrestling with my self doubt and pondering my self worth, I was listening to some songs I had just bought on iTunes. One of the songs is one that was popular a couple of years ago and one I actually hadn't listened to in a while. As I was listening to this song at the end of my grueling workout, I realized something. I just want something beautiful to touch me.



I used to be in the ocean but for some reason I have crawled back up onto the shore. I am standing ankle deep in God knowing I should be out further with His love and grace and acceptance crashing over me. How did I end up back on the shore? When did I start believing I was better off in the hot sun and uncomfortable sand than  in the arms of the One who loves me than I will ever know? I know where I need to be but I allow my human reasoning take over and my fear of drowning keeps me on the shore.

I live in a beautiful area and am still amazed a year later how beautiful it is but the beauty which surrounds me every day is rotting garbage compared to the beauty of my Savior who bled and died for me, who reaches out for me daily, who holds my tears, my fears, my wants, my desires. I have become blind to Him even as He reveals Himself to me daily. Why do I do this to myself?

I want something beautiful to touch me. I want to experience beauty beyond belief. My heart cries out to be consumed. When gold is taken from the ground, it is full of impurities and the only way to remove them is to put the gold through the fire. Only then can it be made into something beautiful. I want to be back in that space. I want to be something beautiful again. Beauty is something I have always struggled with. As I got off the elliptical, trembling with exertion and emotion, I was reminded that in God's eyes I am beautiful. It doesn't matter what the world thinks. It doesn't matter that I am not tall or have cottage cheese thighs or crooked teeth. It doesn't matter that I don't have a flat stomach.

As I type this blog with shaky hands and teary eyes, my heart echoes the words of this song. "This is my desire: Consume me like a fire because I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I am in reach because I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful." I need something beautiful. Do you? Thanks for reading.

Somebody feels like a monster...

I have been debating for a whole month about this song, so much so that I have now missed the month of March and it is now April. When I first got the impression to do this song, I was really surprised. I thought, "No way! I am sure some of my readers will not like this song." It's very different from the other songs I have done this year. The other songs I have written about have been applicable to me at this time in my life. This song would have applied to me when I was younger, but I have moved on and grown past this song. I have tried picking other songs only to sit down at my computer and go completely blank...absolutely nothing...nada. Then this song would find its way back to me. So I am going to go for it and do this song. Someone somewhere must need to hear what I have to say about this song.

"So what is the song?" you ask. The song is Monster by Skillet. I am a big fan of Skillet. They have some amazing rock ballads and crazy sick instrumentals. When I was younger, I felt like every song they sang was written about me. Now that I am older, I listen to them with the nostalgia of someone whose youth is gone but is not yet old. This particular song came to me in this latter part of my life. At one time in my life, I would have cried with teenage angst and beat my chest saying, "Somebody finally understands!" Ok, maybe I wouldn't have been that dramatic but I would have definitely related to this song.



Now I don't want you to think that I hesitated about this song because it is a rock song. I love rock. Many has been the time when I have cranked up Skillet's Comatose album and rocked out till my ears were ringing. My hesitation about this song is that it no longer applies to me.When I started this year with the resolution to write about music, I assumed all the songs would be relevant to MY life and where I am now. How selfish of me. I have a gift for writing and what good is a gift if it is used only for myself? So I write this blog to you, the person who feels like a monster, who feels there is no escape, who feels like a stranger in your own skin. I have a message for you. You are NOT a monster; you are human.

Anyone who has ever been a teenager, and I think we can safely assume that applies to everyone over the age of 19, has had to deal with the torment, the agony and the delight of emotions. Human bodies go through this radical change and it can be difficult. It seems like overnight your body is no longer the same. You go from being unbelievably happy to miserably depressed at the drop of a hat and for no reason. This can be a confusing time.

This song, I believe, portrays what one of these emotions can feel like to a teenager. Anger. This song is a very angry song. Jon Cooper portrays this emotion as a beast that rages within the body wanting out, but he knows he can't let it out because it will destroy him. And he is probably right. Anger can cause all kinds of damage if not dealt with properly.

But anger is a natural part of being human. Everyone gets angry. How you deal with it can affect how it makes you feel. I used to kick things, slam doors and scream at the top of my lungs. All I got was sore toes, broken doors and a raw throat. When I learned to express that anger through other means, I no longer felt like it had control of me. I learned to write my anger out or pray it out or I would put on a Skillet album and rock it out. There are certain times in life when it feels all-consuming. I know there were times in my life when I felt like a monster was inside of me. I write this as someone who has been broken, been defeated, felt worthless. It gets better. Take it from someone who never thought it could.

So to whoever this blog is meant for, and I hope you find it, know that there is no monster inside of you. Know that it will get better. Know you are not the only human being on earth to feel like this. Know that God sees your hurt and your torment and His heart breaks for you. Know that God is bigger than anything you will ever go through. Know that you can make it to the other side in one piece and be made whole. I did. Thanks for reading.

The warrior becomes a lover...

Last month, I became a warrior. This month, I want to be a lover...a lover to God. My theme song for this month is Always Forever by Phil Wickham. This song expresses the passion and adoration Christians should have toward God, myself included. I know there are many times in my life when I have not devoted all of my love and attention toward God. The video below comes from uhnuh on YouTube.

We are raised in a world where love is portrayed as this magical and wondrous event that sustains us for the rest of our lives. We are taught that love is all you need. Girls should be treated as queens; boys should be adored by doe-eyed beauties. In fact, there is a blurb at the beginning of the video above where the creator states she is waiting for her soulmate and he will find her when fate says it is right. But none of this is what love is really about. The truth is we can never be fully and completely loved by another human being. We are fallible, selfish creatures. Don't misunderstand me, we are capable of love, of lasting love, of deep love but we are incapable of perfect love. And our love can end.

Although he never says it, I believe this song is a love letter from a human to God. We are to be lovers to God. He is to be the most important person in our lives. The first thing we think about in the morning and last thing we think of before we sleep. One of the reasons I love Phil Wickham's music is because of his lyrics. They are beautiful, soulful and touch something deep inside of me. The words of this song are words my heart has cried out in a moment of spiritual fervor for my Saviour. "You are my day. You are my night. / You are my love and all of my life / You are the love I need / You are the air I breathe / You are my love, my life always forever!" Can't you see the masses with their arms raised, filled with the Holy Spirit as they proclaim their adoration for God!!!

But what happens when they go home? What happens when reality reasserts itself and they are reminded of the stresses and worries and sadness of living in this decaying world? Where does all that adoration go when they are away from other Christians? Ahh, here is where our love is really tested. There have been times in my life when I have been so full of love for my God that nothing can take the smile from my face. There have also been times in my life when I have forsaken my God and questioned His love for me. What happened to "always forever"?

So this month, I am going to reflect on being a lover to God. Why do I not say a lover of God? Because there is a difference. To be a lover OF someone requires no action. To be a lover TO someone requires work. I will work this month at loving God. I want to reach a point where I no longer have to work at it and my love is just natural, a part of me. I know He loves me. He loves me more than words can express. I will never be able to understand how much He loves me nor will I ever be able to love Him as much He loves me but I will definitely try. So this warrior is setting aside her armor, for now, in order to show her Liege the depth of her love. Always. Forever.

My warrior's heart...

I don’t feel much like a warrior, yet. In fact, I have felt rather inadequate in many areas of my life lately. My warrior’s heart is weak and discouraged. Part of me wonders how that happened and part of me is not really that surprised. Being a human being, I am naturally weak. I need to plug back into my power source: God. Through Him alone can I acquire and maintain a true warrior’s heart. As I strive to become a warrior for God, He is the one who will bolster me and give me the vigor and courage I will need to be a warrior for Him.

After some reflection, I have realized that in order to be a warrior, there must be an enemy. What good is a warrior who has no one to stand against? If there are no opportunities to use the skills they possess as a warrior, what good are those skills? Sparring can only go so far. Without something to defend against, a warrior becomes complacent and feeble.

I am now facing my enemy, but who is this nemesis? I would argue there are two. The first, and the most difficult to overcome, is myself. I am my own worst enemy. I can tear myself down faster than any silver-tongued imp. I doubt myself; I contradict myself; I wound myself. This is one of the main reasons why dying to self is so important. My “self” is dangerous, even fatal.

Another enemy who is more obvious, at least to my friends who believe in him, is Satan. God tells us Satan is our enemy. He hates it when we rise up and take a stand for God. He hates it when we don’t fall for his tricks. He hates it when the weapons he has fashioned against us fail. He hates us. Period. Writing about this enemy is actually strengthening my resolve to maintain my warrior status. My warrior’s heart has begun to burn again!

It should also be said that one must be careful what they say. I proclaimed I wanted to become a warrior for God and the enemy didn't wait for me to go through basic training or put on armor. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There may be consequences. The enemy made a preemptive strike and I almost let him win. Almost. Now I see clearly and he no longer as the element of surprise. Now that I have a clearer sense of the battle before me, I am ready. I'm a warrior!

I'm a warrior!!! At least, I hope to be...

I have decided I will pick a theme song each month this year, then reflect on the song and (hopefully) post my thoughts throughout the month. My method for choosing these songs will be a little unconventional. As I listen to my iPod at the gym or while I am cleaning, I will wait for a song to speak to me. Some of them may be serious; some may be silly while others may make you think.

The song I have chosen for January is “Until My Heart Caves In” by Audio Adrenaline. Here is a video with the lyrics uploaded to YouTube by go1chris. The creator of this video adds a little message at the end about how men need to be worshipers, warriors and leaders and I believe the same can be said for women as well:

This song struck a chord with me the first time I heard it. The first proclamation of “I’m a warrior” speaks to something within my soul. I want my relationship with God to be like the person in this song. I want to be a warrior for God. I want to be able to say to Him, “I would die for you.” I want my heart to be a warrior’s heart and I want it to burn for God. I want to sing His name until my heart caves in. But what does all that mean?

First of all, what exactly does it mean to be a warrior? Dictionary.com defines it as “a person engaged or experienced in warfare or a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics.” For my purposes, I am going to go with the second definition. I want to be someone who has shown, and is still showing, great vigor, courage and aggressiveness when it comes to my relationship with God.

I am not at this point but I hope to be by the end of this year. I want to strengthen the most important relationship in my life. By doing so, I will strengthen other areas of my life such as my relationship with my husband. He uses the illustration of a triangle. He and I are at the bottom of the triangle on opposite corners and God is at the apex of the triangle. The closer he and I move toward God, the closer we move towards each other.

Another line from this song I like is “My love is fierce.” Love is not usually thought of as something fierce, especially by women. We tend to think of it in soft, gentle ways that make us feel warm and tingly all over, but love can also be fierce. Love can make someone be so devoted that nothing can come between them and the object of their love. They would do anything to protect him or her from harm or injury, even to the point of their own demise. Examples of fierce love come in the forms of stories we've all seen such as a mother who wrapped herself around her baby in order to protect him from the cold when their car stalled on a remote road in the dead of winter. I want my love for God to be like this. I want to be so in love with Him and so devoted to Him that nothing can come between us. I want to be able to stand up and say, “He is my God!!!” He doesn’t need me to defend Him, but He loves it when I do.

There are many more things I could say about this song but I will save them for later posts. I pray you will be touched just as much as I am by this song and that my ramblings will have meaning for you. God has laid a great desire on my heart to write and so, for now, this is my outlet. Thanks for reading.

The dripping noises...make them stop!!!

It has been raining for four days thanks to Tropical Storm Lee. Hurricane Irene, that caused three days of rain, was only two weeks ago. I am sick and tired of the rain!! I never in all my life thought I would say that. Where I am originally from it rains so infrequently that the rain is a welcome relief. Not here. I have lived here 169 days and I would guess it has rained at least 75 of those days. I cannot recall a single week were it has not rained at least one day.

The fact that these storms have names is strange to me. It gives them a certain humanity that is undeserved. I feel bad for hating a weather system when it has a name. Especially one as unassuming as Irene or Lee. Don't even get me started on Katia, Maria and Nate.

I feel guilty bemoaning the fact that our vegetation is well watered and our temperatures have been in the high 60s and low 70s for the past week. I should be thankful I'm not watching the city burn down around me like the people in Texas are doing. There are places very near to where I live that are floating away but we are not directly impacted by that...yet. If it keeps raining, eventually we might.

I wish there was a way I could gather all these dense, rain-laden storm clouds and drag them across the country to Texas as a present. Of course, I would only leave them there long enough to put out fires and bring relief to those who need it. I wouldn't want to add flooding to the list of woes the Lone Star State has endured. It pains me that my home state has suffered so much in the past few months. Thinking about it, I guess I would rather deal with incessant rain than incessant heat and fire. If, dear reader, you are of a praying persuasion, pray for the people who are affected by the fires and floods happening across this country.

Did the lights just flicker? I think the lights just flickered. I guess, then I should get off of Facebook and Blogger and work on this discussion board about intellectual property laws and globalization before we lose power. As always, friends, thanks for reading.

May I rub your belly?

Today, as I was walking into the grocery store, I noticed a line had formed at the redbox kiosk. This is not unusual, but standing in this line was a young woman, probably early to mid-twenties. There was nothing too extraordinary about her except for her belly. She was probably 6 or 7 months pregnant. Not huge yet but with a large enough baby bump to be cute. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to go up to a pregnant woman, rub her belly and ask when she was due.

Now, I have never had the desire to rub another woman's belly. Not even when I had family members who were pregnant. Not even when a friend at work was pregnant and I was living vicariously through her. But for some reason, I had the very strong urge to do so today. Seeing this woman's extended belly, knowing that a little boy or girl was growing inside, got to me in a way I never knew it could. She was already a pretty woman, but that bulge in her middle made her appear to glow and made her beautiful.

I think about being pregnant often. Not so much so that I want to have a baby right now, but I definitely think about the possibilities. That's not totally true. There are times when I wonder when it will be my turn to smile politely at the elderly lady at the grocery store and tell her when my baby is due. Or when it will be my turn to decorate a nursery or pick out names. It doesn't help that 99.999% of the women I know are pregnant or have recently given birth. (Ok...maybe not that many but sometimes it feels like that many.) And if you are one of those 99.999%, don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for you.

In two weeks, I will be 30. I read somewhere once that women should have babies before they are 35 because the risks increase after that age. But there are women in their late 30s and early 40s giving birth every day. There is so much information out there and it seems to contradict itself most of the time...but I digress.

Perhaps my urge to connect with this pregnant woman is caused by the little biological clock in the back of my mind counting down the child-bearing years I have left. Maybe it is caused by the fact that I am a nanny and care for a cute and adorable 7 month old 40 hours a week. Sometimes, I take him for walks and people will stop to admire him. Usually, I just smile and say thank you, but the voice in my head is usually telling them he's not mine. Or possibly it is from the social pressure that I sometimes feel. Or it could just be the fact that I turn 30 in two weeks and this is just the normal pre-birthday weirdness I encounter before every major milestone.

Whatever the reason, I was able to restrain myself and walk right on by. Having never been pregnant myself I don't know this for a fact, but I think it would be a little unnerving to have a complete stranger walk up to me and put their hands on my stomach. Maybe some of my prego friends can tell me what they think. Thanks for reading.

The race set before me...

When we moved here, one of the first things I noticed was the joggers. Every time I leave our apartment, I see at least two people out jogging, day or night. For some reason, this inspired me. Then a few weeks ago, my cousin posted something on Facebook about a workout he was doing called the Couch to 5K workout (www.c25k.com). It claims that in nine weeks, you can train to run a 5K or for 30 minutes. Again, I was inspired.

I have never been a runner. I have never wanted to be a runner. For years, I claimed an allergy to running. But recently, the thought of running intrigues me, teases me, calls to me even. Why? Umm...not sure. Maybe it is the desire to lose weight and wanting a workout that burns more calories in a shorter time. Maybe it is the display of long, lean bodies trotting past our building everyday. Maybe it is the desire to have something to work for. Maybe it is the desire to push myself in ways I have never pushed myself before. Maybe it is to prove something to myself that I don't even know I need to prove yet.

So three and half weeks ago, I started the C25K workout. Week one and week two weren't too bad. I have been working out so I wasn't really starting from scratch. Week three was challenging but I worked through it. Now I am on week four. It has been a struggle, but I push myself through the aches and the sweat. Sometimes, I actually have to give myself pep talks as I start the last five minute run. Every time I finish a workout, I feel a sense of accomplishment through the haze of fatigue and weakness.

Do I see a difference yet? In some ways. There are parts of me that hurt that I didn't know could hurt. My heart is getting stronger. I am losing weight. My thighs are slimming and my calves are more defined. I have learned that it is possible to sweat more than I ever thought possible and that I need better shoes.

There is a 5K race on November 5th. This is my goal. I will run in this race. Can I do it today? No. But I have a little over four months to get myself in shape. Will it be easy? Not by a long shot. Will I want to quit? Yes, many times I am sure. Will I quit? NO! I want this. I want to be able to say I ran this race and finished. I have alot of hard sweaty work ahead of me. And strangely enough, I relish the thought. Thanks for reading.

We are moving 1600 miles away. Recently, I realized that I have spent the first 30 years of my life in one spot with brief, months-long excursions to other places. All my memories, good and bad, are in this one city. Today, I am reminded of friends I haven’t talked to in years and people to whom I never apologized. This is where I was born, where I grew up, where I met God and where I met my husband. We were married here and spent the first 18 months of our marriage here.

Being the literary person that I am, I think of my life in chapters. But this feels more like the end of a children’s book and the beginning of a novel. I am moving on to a more complicated story with more advanced vocabulary and a more complex plot. I feel we are starting fresh, heading out to begin our story, a new and completely different story. There may be side stories and brief segues but through it all, we will have each other. As I look around my apartment in various stages of being packed, I think of all the chapters I am closing. It is sad in a nostalgic sense, but in another, it’s exciting to think about all the new beginnings we are about to embark on. It does me no good to dwell on the “has been” or “could have been.” I need to set my eyes forward and look to what God has planned for us. I am so thankful I will not be alone in this but will be standing beside a man of God who is a great leader.

As part of the packing process, I have had to go through several years of mementoes and papers. I have found old letters from friends and crushes. I have found things given to me by smitten boys and people who are now gone. As I have found most of them, I have savored the memories associated with them, maybe shed a tear or two, sat quietly in remembrance…and then either thrown them away or put them in a box to give away. One of the things I have learned in the last year is that there are two relationships in my life that are more important than any others. First, and foremost, is my relationship with my God. Second, only by a little, is my relationship with my husband. If something is not beneficial for either relationship, it has no place in my life.

I have also found some of the notes and letters my husband and I have exchanged in the two years we have been together. I have gathered them all together and they will have a special place in my suitcase, reminders of how far we have come and how far we have yet to go. These are things I will cherish for a long time to come.

It is a little scary for this homegrown Texan to leave the comfort of home, but I am aware that I have done all the growing here that I can. It is time for me to move on and begin yet another new adventure, this time with my love and my best friend. Thanks for reading.

New Poem

Beauty is My Name

The pain echoes off my hollowness,
resounding in the dark.
I am empty, bleak, full of nothing.
My weary body shakes loose.
The lonely agony begins, spreading
further in my soul.
The tearing fibers of disappointment,
rending me in half.
Darkness. That is all I see.
Pain. That is all I feel.
Emptiness. That is all I hear.
Gone. That is all I am.

Brilliant light flashes; darkness flees.
Pain changes into burning heat,
searing me; an ache so deep,
It resounds through my being,
Giving me strength I do not have.
I feel Him lift me up; His arms
around me unbreakable.
His presence; His love seeps through
my skin, repairing damaged parts;
erasing broken hearts.
He whispers my name, the tender
syllables, gentle but indestructible.
The sweetest sound imaginable.
Flawless in His eyes, I am new!
Brand new, shiny new.
Beauty is my name!

I have returned to Blogger...

It has been almost a year since my last post and so much has happened in that year. I have changed jobs and might be about to change jobs again since I just turned in an application just this afternoon. There are new members in the extended family. Friendships have ended and begun.

But the most important change is that I am married. The man you read about in my last post who bought me the rings is now my beloved and adored husband. We have been married a little over six months.

Marriage has been a big adjustment for both of us but we are learning new things everyday and strengthening our relationships with God. We have joined an amazing church that challenges us to grow and nurtures us to learn.

I know this post is short, but I am going to make a concerted effort to start posting again. In fact, I already started writing one today at work and hope to post it this weekend. Thanks for reading.

My story...

I love to learn about people. I love to hear their stories. I think in today's society we focus so much on ourselves that we miss the rich and vibrant lives around us. We miss the pain and the joy, the sorrow and the triumph.

My blog is my story. I share parts of my life with any who will listen. Not all of my stories are happy nor are they all sad. Of course, there are also parts I don't share. The parts that are too private, too personal, too painful.

I want to share one of those stories with you now. This is no easy thing I do. But I feel there are others out there who can learn from my mistake...and my subsequent restoration.

When I was 14, I signed a True Love Waits vow. My parents gave me a special ring that I wore to help me remember my vow. It has always been important to maintain my sexual purity until marriage. And I did so until this past December.

At the age of 27, I gave the most precious gift I had, my body, to someone who was not my husband. I did this out of a rebellious heart towards God. I did it out of loneliness. I did it because I thought I was taking charge of my life. I did it because I thought it would make him love me.

These actions, and his subsequent rejection of me, led to tremendous emotional damage. I became very depressed. At one point, I had thoughts about death that scared me. It was affecting my work, my relationships with other people and my desire to live. As you read on, please remember that I hold no ill will towards the man.

I have since made my peace with God. I know he has forgiven me. I am still working on forgiving myself but I get closer everday. He has restored my faith and my confidence. I am a new woman.

I recently met another man. His name is Wisdom and the name fits him perfectly. He has amazed me, inspired me, encouraged me. He is a man of God and I respect him deeply. As we are starting our relationship, we are trying to be completely honest with each other. In keeping with this, I told him what I had done. I was afraid because of his faith in God that he would be appalled at my sin. Instead, he accepted me with open arms.

I had given my ring to the man I had slept with because I could no longer wear it. After meeting Wisdom, I wanted to recommit to being celibate and I wanted another ring to help me remember. In order to do this, I had to tell my mom. That is one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with her. I was so afraid she would be disappointed in me. Instead, she empathized with my pain and rejoiced at my forgiveness.

The next time we talked, I told Wisdom about the ring and how I wanted to get another. He offered to send me the money. I told him I couldn't let him do that because I didn't feel right taking his money. He was very adamant and told me he wanted to help me recommit myself. He told me it would be an honor to do this for me. I was moved to tears. I had no choice but to let him help me.

I now wear the ring proudly. It has so much meaning. It is actually two rings that are meant to be worn together. They are both very simple rings. One of them has a garnet to symbolize Christ's blood for me. And because I am a literary person, it reminds me of the scarlet letter of Hawthorne fame. The second has a white sapphire to symbolize the cleansing of my sin. I know without a doubt I have been forgiven.

That is my story. I hope it inspires you or convicts you. What is your story? I would love to hear it. Thanks for reading.

Role models...

Today I have been a teacher, a student, a friend, a co-worker. I have been a chair, an octopus, an omnivore, an encourager. I have been flattered, frustrated, joyous, tired, hungry. I have been so many things today and that was before lunch!

We are complex creatures. We feel; we think; we live. Have you ever stopped to think about all the roles you play in the lives of the people around you? Let me give you an example. Take my teaching partner. Today, I have been her teaching partner, her co-worker, her friend. That's just in the last five hours.

Stop to think about the impact you may have on someone and not even know it. Not all roles are postive. You can be someone's enemy, someone's problem, someone's bully. I believe our lives are all connected. Every action we do has an affect on someone, somewhere.

Mind boggling, isn't it? Thanks for reading.

Musings of a wondering heart...

The air is thick and sweet with moisture today. There is a chill breeze blowing across the city. Heavy gray clouds hang in the sky like pieces of conversation. Occasionally, they share a word or two with us.

The promise of spring is teasing me, kissing my hair, caressing my cheek. Winter quickly slaps away its hand, but the memory lingers.

I long for sunny days and warm nights. I long for time with friends, laughing and enjoying each other's company. I long for flip flops and shorts. I long for summer.

Having been born in the summer, I am a child of the summer. I need the sunshine to make it through the day sometimes. I need the longer days. I feel sick and weak when the sun sets at five o'clock in the evening.

Winter is always hard for me. Especially January when it seems the sunshine is dying and the world will never wake from its icy slumber. I often have to fight depression and loneliness during this time.

But spring is around the corner and soon the sounds of birds and the smell of fresh grass will overwhelm my senses again. Spring always brings with it the promise of new things and fresh starts.

I think I will go to China this summer with my church. They go every year to work at an orphanage and fellowship with college students. It would not be an easy trip. I will have to raise close to $3000. I will have to miss the family reunion and a wedding. The emotional toll will be great. I have a soft, kind heart that is easily bruised by the cruelty and despair around me. But I feel I need to go.

That restlessness is settling into my bones again. The desire to just drive and see where I end up. Last time that happened, I quit my job, spent 10 weeks in Greenville SC, worked a month in Alabama and then moved to Alabama. I wonder where it will take me this time. But it is different this time. This time, I don't want to do it alone.

I'm finding I don't want to do alot of things alone. Watching movies, eating out, driving. There have been times when my bed seems so big and empty, even though it is only a full size. I am even beginning to not like being in my apartment alone. When the weather is nice enough, I will sit on my balcony just to listen to the world around me.

I suppose I have no more musings for you today. I am sure I could think of some but it is time for me to meet with my family for a meal. Thanks for reading.

Silky, beautiful locks...

As some of you know, I am in the process of growing out my hair to donate to Locks of Love. My hair was a considerable length but the last 4 or 5 inches were dry, brittle and badly damaged. I had been meaning to have it trimmed for some time but I always ran out of time or money.

I was talking to my Sunday School teacher last week about my desire to donate my hair but how I wanted to make sure I donated healthy, usable hair. She informed me she had gone to cosmotology school and would be more than happy to trim my hair for free.

So yesterday evening I went to her house and told her to take off all the dead ends which is exactly what she did. My hair is now about 5 inches shorter but it looks so healthy and pretty. I have had so many comments on it today. It feels really short to me but it is still below my shoulders.

In order to donate it, I have to have 10 inches. I still have about 2 or 3 inches to grow before I can donate, but with the help of Jennifer (she has offered to continue trimming it and help with the donating process), I don't think it will take that long. My hair grows pretty fast. Thanks for reading.

Treading the halls of sanity...

Just off the border of your waking mind,
There lies another time,
Where darkness and light are one.
And as you tread the halls of sanity,
You feel so glad to be unable to go on.
I have a message from another time.

Prologue by Brave Saint Saturn

I feel weird today. I was staring at a door frame earlier and it started vibrating. No matter how many times I looked away and looked back, it was always vibrating. Like it was an illusion trying its best to stay together. I feel like I am disconnected from my body. Like this is not really reality. Like I am part of something I don't even realize..like the Matrix but weirder.

I dreamt last night about a former co-worker chasing black and white kangaroos down the highway so I am pretty sure I am in the right reality. Or am I? Maybe what I think is "normal" is just someone else's dream.

I have had a funny plasticky taste in my mouth all day. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and I am laying on a table somewhere with a tube down my throat. Or maybe I was in a terrible accident I can't remember and I am laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on to life.

Or maybe I am just tired. I feel tired, but it is a funny kind of tired. I don't feel like sleeping. I just feel like staring off into space. Sitting as still as possible. Seeing what happens. To see if I can stop all sensation in my body. To see if I can make myself completely numb.

I have no reason to feel numb. I just want to see if I can do it. I have this strange awareness of my body today. I can feel my flesh clinging to my bones and my skin doing its best to hold it all together. It is a very unsettling awareness. I am beginning to wonder if this is a lingering side effect of my previous depression like the nagging cough that remains after a cold.

Or maybe I just feel weird. Thanks for reading.

I am resolute...

For those of you who read my last post, I am doing much better now thanks to my best friend. He always seems to know exactly what I need.

I went back to work today after two weeks of glorious laziness. I was sad to see my freetime ending but I woke up this morning excited about going back to work. I didn't realize how much I missed my students until I saw their trusting little faces today. Of course, this makes my New Year's resolution even harder.

I have decided for my resolution this year I am going to get a better job. I need to do what is the right thing for me and I feel this is it. I do not want to leave because I love my students and really enjoy working with my partner. I will miss my students and co-workers terribly.

I am doing this because there are things I want that I cannot afford at this time. I want to be able to stay in my apartment. I want to get Internet. I want to get a dog. I want to be able to have regular manicures.

I know this sounds selfish, and to a degree, it is. But I am the type of person who will bend over backwards to make everyone around me happy, usually at the risk of making myself miserable, and I have decided it is time for me to start making me happy.

Wow...that sounds really conceited and cold. Well, maybe that is the way I am. Or maybe I am just ready to start living my life the way I want to live it. Thanks for reading.

Falling inside the black...

~Don't leave me here like this. Can't hear me scream from the abyss.~Falling Inside the Black by Skillet

My ears are ringing from the beating I gave them from cranking Skillet in my car. My eyes are heavy and wet with unshed tears. My stomach is bloated from the sugar and fat I have been shoving in my face to suppress the pain. The abuse is the physical evidence of the attempts to fill the gaping hole in my soul.

Today is January 1. I am fighting the despair that seems to possess me. It is a new year. Will this one be better than last year? Who knows? Is my depression temporary? More than likely. I think it is a mixture of holiday blues, loneliness, rebellion and the desire to not return to work.

I will probably feel better tomorrow. Thanks for reading.