That’s what I feel like: scum. I have hurt someone and I have never even met him. I was contacted on MySpace and asked to lunch. I accepted with the rationale I was never going to meet anybody if I never put myself out there. Because of various reasons, we were never able to actually go out. I prayed about it and decided I shouldn’t pursue it because it was not going to work out. I didn’t want to give him false hope because I knew it would not have worked out. I have certain standards I adhere to. Many have told me they are too high, but they are important enough to me that I will not compromise. I was just trying to make myself feel better. I am a horrible person, I know. So now I have hurt someone and I feel worse than pond scum.
Being a Christian, I am ashamed of my behavior. We should love all of God’s creatures. I was merely using someone because I knew he would give me attention I crave. But I would not have reciprocated. It would have been unfair to all involved. It would have ended badly. It hurts now, but it would have been far worse if I had let it continue. I know from personal experience. I would give the numbers of those I have hurt the same way in the past, but they no longer speak to me and I have no idea where they are now.
So here is my confession. I am ashamed and pray the person involved will forgive me and move on.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
I will survive...
I survived Valentine’s Day. I always do, but there is still that linger doubt every year of whether I will make it through one more. I even got some chocolates from my father. Mom and I watched Music & Lyrics (Which is slowly becoming one of my favorites. In fact I am watching it again as I write this. Hugh Grant is hilariously sexy in this movie.) Then we found out my sister was going out with friends, so Mom and I went and got some Japanese take-out, went home and watched Chocolat.(Another of my favs. I watched it the first time because Johnny Depp *sigh* is in it. Of course, he is only in it for about 45 minutes, but it is still a great story.) Then we devoured some of the chocolate Mom got from her students. So really, all in all it was a good evening.
Well, they are forecasting lots of nasty cold precipitation in the morning. Just the thought of it makes me shiver and cringe. Have I ever mentioned the fact that I HATE the cold? I mean I HATE it. I don’t use that word very often. In fact, there is only two things on God’s green earth I can apply that word to without reserve: cold and spiders. I will probably spend the day cleaning and studying.
I have decided I need to grow up. I think I have said this before. I think it is time to quit chasing this dream of going back to Alabama. I am going to go ahead and send my application to the camp, but I am also going to start applying for jobs here in Amarillo. I am so ready to move out and start being independent. I came to the realization I have been trying to get back to Alabama so hard, I have missed the fact that I am here in Texas. Maybe the reason I hadn’t been getting any answers was because I already had them. I was just being too stubborn to see them. That is not to say that Alabama is totally out of the question; I just may not make it back any time soon.
I am in need of prayer, not so much for guidance but for a break down of will. I need to be content with my situation as it is. When He sees fit, God will change it. This will be a daily struggle for me. I also ask for prayer in staying in the Word and in prayer. I also have an unspoken request. So I am signing of for now. Thanks for reading.
Well, they are forecasting lots of nasty cold precipitation in the morning. Just the thought of it makes me shiver and cringe. Have I ever mentioned the fact that I HATE the cold? I mean I HATE it. I don’t use that word very often. In fact, there is only two things on God’s green earth I can apply that word to without reserve: cold and spiders. I will probably spend the day cleaning and studying.
I have decided I need to grow up. I think I have said this before. I think it is time to quit chasing this dream of going back to Alabama. I am going to go ahead and send my application to the camp, but I am also going to start applying for jobs here in Amarillo. I am so ready to move out and start being independent. I came to the realization I have been trying to get back to Alabama so hard, I have missed the fact that I am here in Texas. Maybe the reason I hadn’t been getting any answers was because I already had them. I was just being too stubborn to see them. That is not to say that Alabama is totally out of the question; I just may not make it back any time soon.
I am in need of prayer, not so much for guidance but for a break down of will. I need to be content with my situation as it is. When He sees fit, God will change it. This will be a daily struggle for me. I also ask for prayer in staying in the Word and in prayer. I also have an unspoken request. So I am signing of for now. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Emotional vomit
I had trouble getting out of bed today. I have had a massive headache that comes and goes since Sunday. It makes me dizzy and nauseous. Every so often my vision gets blurry. But that is not the only reason I couldn’t get out of bed today. I couldn’t get out of bed because I am tired emotionally. I am heading into a depression. I can always feel them coming on like some people feel a cold coming on. First there is the desire for things to be the way they were. Then comes the irritability where I snap for the littlest reasons. Then comes the feeling that no one in the world wants me and the cynicism directed at everything. This is followed by the feeling of being utterly alone even when I am surrounded by people. Sometimes I think if I don’t get out of bed, I can stave it off and I will not have to deal with it. I have learned to recognize the signs and most of the time, I can stop it before it gets out of hand.
But I did get out of bed this morning which is a good thing because staying in bed is really not the best answer. It would really only make things worse. I had to sub today. I felt better once I got to school. Children have a way of making an adult feel better with the smallest gestures. One little girl came up and told me she wanted to give me my Valentine present early. It was a big hug.
I usually have an episode of depression around Valentine’s Day. I have never had a Valentine to share the day with so consequently I am a little jaded about the day. I struggle with my singleness and this day only serves to further frustrate me. I am continually praying to God to send someone my way or give me a peace about being single. I am still working on it.
It also doesn’t help that my grandpa died on Valentine’s Day. He was my hero and even two years later I still miss him. He was a great man of God and always had a smile. He loved his family even though I don’t ever remember him actually telling me that he loved me. I just knew he did. I knew I could always turn to him when I needed to.
Over the years I have come to realize it is these episodes that push everyone away from me. Most people don’t understand me. I am an emotional person. I am also very passionate. I love people and sometimes I love them too strongly and it scares them. I have a tender heart and I am reluctant to share it with people because I bruise easily. Usually these episodes only last a couple of days, but sometimes they drag on. That is when I begin to say things and do things that push people away. So really it is my own fault I have very few friends. I have learned as an adult to deal with it, but it is still a struggle. One that I am tired of fighting alone.
Some of you may be wondering why I would write about such things. Writing has always been an out and an escape for me. I can pour my soul onto a piece of paper or computer screen, evaluate it and feel better about my conclusion. Words are the medium I use to paint the pictures of my life. It is therapy for me. Many have been the times when I have had a bad day and written an email to an understanding friend who knows that I just need to get something off my chest. I call it emotional vomit.
So with that lengthy intro, here is a piece I wrote during one of my episodes. Be warned: it is dark and unlike previous pieces, there is no mention of God. I think I was in college when I wrote it. Be aware this is not the condition of my soul all time. This is merely a window into a small part of my life. I really do have times when I am happy and convivial. I just also happen to have times of deep sadness and torment and these seem to be the ones people remember. Please do not judge me for something you may not understand. This may be the last piece I post for a while so enjoy. Thanks for reading.
I Cry Alone
I cry alone
In solitude.
Encased in my cotton peace,
I cry alone.
Each sob rends open my soul.
I am scorned and I am hated.
There is nothing left for me
But friendly betrayal.
I cry alone
In my dark expanse
Where no one can hear
My soul shatter into a million pieces.
Oh, yes, I cry alone.
But I did get out of bed this morning which is a good thing because staying in bed is really not the best answer. It would really only make things worse. I had to sub today. I felt better once I got to school. Children have a way of making an adult feel better with the smallest gestures. One little girl came up and told me she wanted to give me my Valentine present early. It was a big hug.
I usually have an episode of depression around Valentine’s Day. I have never had a Valentine to share the day with so consequently I am a little jaded about the day. I struggle with my singleness and this day only serves to further frustrate me. I am continually praying to God to send someone my way or give me a peace about being single. I am still working on it.
It also doesn’t help that my grandpa died on Valentine’s Day. He was my hero and even two years later I still miss him. He was a great man of God and always had a smile. He loved his family even though I don’t ever remember him actually telling me that he loved me. I just knew he did. I knew I could always turn to him when I needed to.
Over the years I have come to realize it is these episodes that push everyone away from me. Most people don’t understand me. I am an emotional person. I am also very passionate. I love people and sometimes I love them too strongly and it scares them. I have a tender heart and I am reluctant to share it with people because I bruise easily. Usually these episodes only last a couple of days, but sometimes they drag on. That is when I begin to say things and do things that push people away. So really it is my own fault I have very few friends. I have learned as an adult to deal with it, but it is still a struggle. One that I am tired of fighting alone.
Some of you may be wondering why I would write about such things. Writing has always been an out and an escape for me. I can pour my soul onto a piece of paper or computer screen, evaluate it and feel better about my conclusion. Words are the medium I use to paint the pictures of my life. It is therapy for me. Many have been the times when I have had a bad day and written an email to an understanding friend who knows that I just need to get something off my chest. I call it emotional vomit.
So with that lengthy intro, here is a piece I wrote during one of my episodes. Be warned: it is dark and unlike previous pieces, there is no mention of God. I think I was in college when I wrote it. Be aware this is not the condition of my soul all time. This is merely a window into a small part of my life. I really do have times when I am happy and convivial. I just also happen to have times of deep sadness and torment and these seem to be the ones people remember. Please do not judge me for something you may not understand. This may be the last piece I post for a while so enjoy. Thanks for reading.
I Cry Alone
I cry alone
In solitude.
Encased in my cotton peace,
I cry alone.
Each sob rends open my soul.
I am scorned and I am hated.
There is nothing left for me
But friendly betrayal.
I cry alone
In my dark expanse
Where no one can hear
My soul shatter into a million pieces.
Oh, yes, I cry alone.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Exhaustion and dancing...
I am tired. I subbed all week long and six year olds can really wear a girl out. It didn’t help that I was up at 6:30 this morning because I had a ton of school work to do. I got most of it done, but I still have another chapter to read and a midterm to take by midnight tomorrow.
I have been asked to post another poem so here it is. It is one of my mom’s favorites. This is a piece I wrote when I was serving as a summer missionary in Memphis, TN in the summer of 1999. I had just graduated from high school so I was only 17. The band that did our praise and worship introduced me to a praise song that has become one of my very favorites. In the chorus is the line “there is nowhere else that I’d rather be than dancing with you as you sing over me.” Dancing with God? Can you imagine? The thought had never occurred to me. Being raised in a Baptist home, you can imagine how much effort I had to exert trying to wrap my brain around that image. This poem is the result of that effort. Thanks for reading.
Dancing With God
I stand alone, broken and humble.
You take my hand, twirling me.
With perfect grace and time, you dance along.
I feel safe and secure as we dance toward morning.
Love sweeps us up, awesome love.
I stumble and fall, but you pick me up with ease.
I am carried along in your arms, ever rejoicing.
I have been asked to post another poem so here it is. It is one of my mom’s favorites. This is a piece I wrote when I was serving as a summer missionary in Memphis, TN in the summer of 1999. I had just graduated from high school so I was only 17. The band that did our praise and worship introduced me to a praise song that has become one of my very favorites. In the chorus is the line “there is nowhere else that I’d rather be than dancing with you as you sing over me.” Dancing with God? Can you imagine? The thought had never occurred to me. Being raised in a Baptist home, you can imagine how much effort I had to exert trying to wrap my brain around that image. This poem is the result of that effort. Thanks for reading.
Dancing With God
I stand alone, broken and humble.
You take my hand, twirling me.
With perfect grace and time, you dance along.
I feel safe and secure as we dance toward morning.
Love sweeps us up, awesome love.
I stumble and fall, but you pick me up with ease.
I am carried along in your arms, ever rejoicing.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A little creative writing...
This piece was nibbling on my brain most of yesterday evening and wouldn’t let me go to sleep until I wrote it down. For some reason, I feel I need to share it so here it is. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it.
Brokenhearted
The scars crisscross my heart like highways on a map. White and rigid. Coarse and ragged. The bands searing my flesh, sculpting their way into the red tissue. Each one a reminder of a broken relationship, a latent word. They constrict my heart as it tries to do its job, tries to send life it does not have to the limbs. Pain tears across my chest as the organ breaks a little more, assumes another scar. It tries one more time to be brave, one more time to be courageous but fails to impress even itself. With unbidden tears, it gives up. It ends its charade of life and surrenders. It no longer can survive on its own, the shackles squeezing until every drop is gone.
Thump, thump. New creation arises from the mutilated mass, beautiful, perfect. Thump, thump. Life flows in every direction spawning new sensations that can only be explained by the rapturous look of pure joy spanning across the millions. New life, new gifts. The heart is crystalline, washed in blood that is not its own. A pure blood, a sacrificial blood. Holy blood. God Almighty has taken the heart and carried away its pain, its scars, its corporeal mementos. Kissing them away until only hope and faith and love remain. Driving away the deadly thoughts, the scattering deeds. The heart is stronger, more alive in its death than it ever was in life. Breathing in the crisp air, the body feels the change, knows it will never be the same. Mind cannot comprehend the enormous gift it has received. It will never fully understand how tainted flesh became pure love.
Oh, it gasps. The rapture, the brilliant joy. How? How can this be? Life unending is now mine, traded only for belief in a Son whose torturous death was willingly taken. My eyes are humbled by the broken body now taking on the form of an abused heart, a dark thought, a dirty deed. Taken so I will not have to endure it any longer. Humbled, I retrieve the heart, now cleansed of sin and lay it ever so tenderly at His perfect feet. For now it is no longer mine to keep, it belongs to my Savior.
Brokenhearted
The scars crisscross my heart like highways on a map. White and rigid. Coarse and ragged. The bands searing my flesh, sculpting their way into the red tissue. Each one a reminder of a broken relationship, a latent word. They constrict my heart as it tries to do its job, tries to send life it does not have to the limbs. Pain tears across my chest as the organ breaks a little more, assumes another scar. It tries one more time to be brave, one more time to be courageous but fails to impress even itself. With unbidden tears, it gives up. It ends its charade of life and surrenders. It no longer can survive on its own, the shackles squeezing until every drop is gone.
Thump, thump. New creation arises from the mutilated mass, beautiful, perfect. Thump, thump. Life flows in every direction spawning new sensations that can only be explained by the rapturous look of pure joy spanning across the millions. New life, new gifts. The heart is crystalline, washed in blood that is not its own. A pure blood, a sacrificial blood. Holy blood. God Almighty has taken the heart and carried away its pain, its scars, its corporeal mementos. Kissing them away until only hope and faith and love remain. Driving away the deadly thoughts, the scattering deeds. The heart is stronger, more alive in its death than it ever was in life. Breathing in the crisp air, the body feels the change, knows it will never be the same. Mind cannot comprehend the enormous gift it has received. It will never fully understand how tainted flesh became pure love.
Oh, it gasps. The rapture, the brilliant joy. How? How can this be? Life unending is now mine, traded only for belief in a Son whose torturous death was willingly taken. My eyes are humbled by the broken body now taking on the form of an abused heart, a dark thought, a dirty deed. Taken so I will not have to endure it any longer. Humbled, I retrieve the heart, now cleansed of sin and lay it ever so tenderly at His perfect feet. For now it is no longer mine to keep, it belongs to my Savior.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Random thoughts of a 26 year old bum
I am sitting in Birmingham International Airport. I have driven 4 hours in a rental car to be here, and now I have a 2 and a half hour wait. But I don’t mind. I can catch up on my reading for my classes. I can call a couple of people to chat a bit. I can sit and think about what I am going to go next.
I am taking action. I am going to try my darnedest to move to Alabama. The way I see it, I can either try and fail or not try and always wonder. How will I know if I don’t try? I am going to start by looking for full time jobs that I can apply for online. The hospitals in Mobile have lots of openings. Some of the banks do online apps. If this is what God wants for me, He will open the door. All I can do is try.
I have been asked to work in the kitchen at the camp this summer. I am prayerfully considering this. I would do anything to be back at the camp. I love that camp. I love the ministry. I love the people. If I do not find a full time job in the next month, I will more than likely take it. But I also want to be sure that it is what God wants for me.
I am going to start going deeper into His Word. I am going to start scouring it for answers. I am going to turn back to God. I have become lazy in my studies of the Word. I am going to start writing in my prayer journal again. A quote I heard recently comes back to me often as I decide where to minister. "If they come here looking for Jesus and find only you, how disappointed are they going to be?" I need to refocus my life. I need to consider more of what God wants and less of what I want. I also need to learn to accept it when things do not go the way that I want them. I need to learn to be happy in all of my circumstances whether I am in Texas or Alabama or wherever I may end up.
Leaving Alabama gets harder and harder. I feel like I leave a little piece of my self there every time I go. I leave it with all the people I know down there. I love my camp brothers and sisters. I know I keep saying that, but it is so true. I feel like I have gained so much from them. Their perspective on life never ceases to amaze me. They are so refreshing to be around because of their zeal for life and their wild abandon. They are so carefree and funny. I laugh more when I am with them than with anyone else I know. I want so much to be the role model for them that I should be. I want them to be able to come to me when they have problems. It would break my heart, probably irrevocably, if I was never to see any of them again this side of Heaven.
I am really glad I decided to stay and go to church. This past Sunday was the last Sunday for my preacher in Alabama. He has decided that God has other work for him so he resigned and is taking a leap of faith. He is someone I hope to remain in contact with for the rest of my life. He is a good teacher and great friend. Shadow Lawn Baptist will never be the same.
I am a little confused. I will decide on a course of action and I will think it is what I am supposed to be doing. I will then start working at it and find another avenue or I will come against opposition. I am getting to the point where I cannot keep my head clear and keep everything straight. I feel like there are so many options coming at me. I am beginning to become overwhelmed. I never feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing except for those rare occasions when I am.
I want to end with this final thought for all my friends in Alabama. I have gone to Alabama 5 times now. I think it is high time someone came to Texas. Think about it. We always have an extra bed waiting. Thanks for reading.
I am taking action. I am going to try my darnedest to move to Alabama. The way I see it, I can either try and fail or not try and always wonder. How will I know if I don’t try? I am going to start by looking for full time jobs that I can apply for online. The hospitals in Mobile have lots of openings. Some of the banks do online apps. If this is what God wants for me, He will open the door. All I can do is try.
I have been asked to work in the kitchen at the camp this summer. I am prayerfully considering this. I would do anything to be back at the camp. I love that camp. I love the ministry. I love the people. If I do not find a full time job in the next month, I will more than likely take it. But I also want to be sure that it is what God wants for me.
I am going to start going deeper into His Word. I am going to start scouring it for answers. I am going to turn back to God. I have become lazy in my studies of the Word. I am going to start writing in my prayer journal again. A quote I heard recently comes back to me often as I decide where to minister. "If they come here looking for Jesus and find only you, how disappointed are they going to be?" I need to refocus my life. I need to consider more of what God wants and less of what I want. I also need to learn to accept it when things do not go the way that I want them. I need to learn to be happy in all of my circumstances whether I am in Texas or Alabama or wherever I may end up.
Leaving Alabama gets harder and harder. I feel like I leave a little piece of my self there every time I go. I leave it with all the people I know down there. I love my camp brothers and sisters. I know I keep saying that, but it is so true. I feel like I have gained so much from them. Their perspective on life never ceases to amaze me. They are so refreshing to be around because of their zeal for life and their wild abandon. They are so carefree and funny. I laugh more when I am with them than with anyone else I know. I want so much to be the role model for them that I should be. I want them to be able to come to me when they have problems. It would break my heart, probably irrevocably, if I was never to see any of them again this side of Heaven.
I am really glad I decided to stay and go to church. This past Sunday was the last Sunday for my preacher in Alabama. He has decided that God has other work for him so he resigned and is taking a leap of faith. He is someone I hope to remain in contact with for the rest of my life. He is a good teacher and great friend. Shadow Lawn Baptist will never be the same.
I am a little confused. I will decide on a course of action and I will think it is what I am supposed to be doing. I will then start working at it and find another avenue or I will come against opposition. I am getting to the point where I cannot keep my head clear and keep everything straight. I feel like there are so many options coming at me. I am beginning to become overwhelmed. I never feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing except for those rare occasions when I am.
I want to end with this final thought for all my friends in Alabama. I have gone to Alabama 5 times now. I think it is high time someone came to Texas. Think about it. We always have an extra bed waiting. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Relient K still rocks at 3am.
I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything. Mainly because there wasn't anything to say.
I am in Citronelle for the weekend. I had to fly into Birmingham and rent a car to get here, but I am here. I fly back Monday night. We had a staff retreat this weekend at the camp and it was a blast. I had so much fun reminiscing with my dearest friends. I love each and every one like they are my own brothers and sisters. They are the coolest teenagers on the planet Earth. Hillshire! Farm! Go Meat!
I have decided that I want to be here permanently. I am going to start looking for full time jobs that I can apply for on the Internet. I am going to start trying to make more contacts. I have been praying about this for a long time and I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. So I have decided to take action.
Part of it is because of an interesting conversation with a man I met at the bank the other day. His name is Wahoo. Kid you not, that is his name. He is a Native American preacher. Long story short, he prayed with me and encouraged me to really try to move back if that is what I want. It is.
Until I can get back here, I am subbing at the school my mom works at. Right now I am only helping out with covering the class of my mom's teaching partner, but I am hoping maybe I can help out the rest of the school year or until I get back to Alabama. Which ever comes first.
So for now, I am sitting in a dorm all by myself, listening to Escapepod and dog tired from being up until 4:30am (thanks to Alex, Mea and Kayla). I think I am going to go to bed now. Thanks for reading.
I am in Citronelle for the weekend. I had to fly into Birmingham and rent a car to get here, but I am here. I fly back Monday night. We had a staff retreat this weekend at the camp and it was a blast. I had so much fun reminiscing with my dearest friends. I love each and every one like they are my own brothers and sisters. They are the coolest teenagers on the planet Earth. Hillshire! Farm! Go Meat!
I have decided that I want to be here permanently. I am going to start looking for full time jobs that I can apply for on the Internet. I am going to start trying to make more contacts. I have been praying about this for a long time and I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. So I have decided to take action.
Part of it is because of an interesting conversation with a man I met at the bank the other day. His name is Wahoo. Kid you not, that is his name. He is a Native American preacher. Long story short, he prayed with me and encouraged me to really try to move back if that is what I want. It is.
Until I can get back here, I am subbing at the school my mom works at. Right now I am only helping out with covering the class of my mom's teaching partner, but I am hoping maybe I can help out the rest of the school year or until I get back to Alabama. Which ever comes first.
So for now, I am sitting in a dorm all by myself, listening to Escapepod and dog tired from being up until 4:30am (thanks to Alex, Mea and Kayla). I think I am going to go to bed now. Thanks for reading.
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