A quandary?!?

I have come to a conclusion. I am an attractive person. I have many attractive features and abilities. I can cook. I am intelligent. I am kind and generous. I genuinely care about people. In the last few months, I have had many complete strangers tell me I am beautiful.

So the question is: why doesn't anyone ask me out? I have posed this question to many friends and family members and I have been given many different answers. Some have said maybe guys are intimidated by my beauty. (For the sake of my vanity, I do not think this so. At the risk of sounding conceited, yes, I am attractive, but I am not a drop dead gorgeous supermodel.) Some have suggested I am not around eligible bachelors enough. (This one I agree with. Anybody know how to meet single Christian men without use of the Internet or church hopping?) In high school, my best friend told me I was too selective. I am beginning to see she may have been right. (Is it a crime to know what I want?) One person even told me I was too perfect. (Huh? Me, perfect? Far from it.)

So as you can see, I have quite a quandary on my hands. I have a lot to offer, but no takers. I have decided to try to give this over to God. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He has the perfect man waiting for me somewhere. Do I know him, yet? Maybe, maybe not. Am I ready to meet him? Yes. This is a daily struggle for me. I am not getting any younger and I can feel the press of time starting to suffocate me. I pray daily for God to guide and direct my thoughts and my actions so I may be a better Christian. I pray for the man who will someday be my husband so he may be strengthened. So while I am single, I will try to enjoy it. But I can't help but look forward to my wedding day. Thanks for reading.

The sun always comes out!!!

Yeah, I know. It has been a while since I wrote and even longer since I wrote anything good. But the good news is the situation with the friend has been remedied and I am over that; my uncle is on the mend and may go home by the end of the week; and I now have a really good shot of moving out this July. So no more depressing and dark posts. Yea!!

I am very excited about my new job. I will be a teacher's assistant in the 2 yr old class. I am very excited to be working with these kids. The teacher is about my age and we get along great. She was so relieved when she found out I would be the one working with her next year. This job doesn't start until August so I needed something to get me through the summer so I am going to work in the extended day program at the school. I will be on a break from classes after July 4th so I will start looking at apartments then. I am so excited. Hee hee!!

The weather today has been ominous. Amarillo has been surrounded by storms all day. The air has teased me with its elicit promises of moisture but it has failed miserably at keeping that promise. I miss the rains of Alabama. When it promised rain, it delivered with so much force, you almost felt as though you were drowning. I miss that. I miss precipitation. I miss green things, even.

They say it may rain tonight after midnight. I would love to stay up and see if it really does, but alas, I have to get up early to substitute. I miss listening to the rain on the roof. I miss smelling ozone as it wafts through the air and the gentle rumble of thunder. The Panhandle is infamous for severe thunderstorms but as of right now, we haven't had any. I love a good thunderstorm. *sigh*

Tomorrow evening, I am going to the drive-in with family. We are meeting at my aunt's house. We will then load up my cousin's truck with pillows and food and then head to the drive-in at dusk. We are watching Iron Man and Drillbit Taylor. I am very excited. I love going to the drive-in. Especially with my cousin and his truck. So fun!!!

Well, that is all I can think of to tell and it is time to watch "Big Bang Theory" so thanks for reading!

Man, I have a headache...

I was planning on writing a blog yesterday about how well my uncle was doing, but we found out yesterday afternoon he was going back into surgery today. He just got out and is doing fine. He will spend the night in ICU but the doctor is hopeful. Thank to all those who were praying for us.

In lighter news, I have a job lined up for next school year. I am going to be the teacher's assistant in the 2 yr old class at the school I sub for. It doesn't start until August so I am going to see if I can work in the extended day program this summer. I am very excited. It will be so much fun and I will get to work with a really great teacher.

So now I am sitting in the surgery waiting room. We are waiting to find out which room he will be in. Because he will be in ICU, we won't be able to visit him until 8pm. Of course, I don't think he will be very coherent this evening. If you had a part of your scull removed and then had your brain drained, you would be a little out of too. Wouldn't you?

So there you have it. Thanks for reading.

Update on my uncle

He got out of surgery fine. The medication they had given him made it possible to do a less invasive surgery. He is now back in his room and we are taking turns seeing him. Of course, he is still out of it but he is fine. Thank you to all those who were praying. Roderick, thank you so much for calling me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Thanks for reading.

So here I am...

So here I am sitting in a hospital waiting room. My uncle is having brain surgery today. He has swelling and bleeding on his brain. They are going to go in and try relieve it. They tried medication but it didn't work.

So here I am worrying but feeling like I don't have anyone to confide in. I can't talk to my best friend. My other friend is inaccessible. I feel numb. But that is not too surprising. I have felt numb for a while. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever feel anything again. That is not entirely true. I do feel things. I felt happy yesterday.

So here I am listening to Relient K. They are my favorite band. I love their lyrics and their guitar riffs. They are the band I turn to when I need comfort. I guess maybe that is what I need. I need comfort.

So here I am. Thanks for reading.

This is what it feels like...

I have been working on this post for two days now. There is so much going on in my life; I feel I am letting down all those who read. I really have no excuse for not writing. I am at a place in my life where I am having to deal with things and some days I have trouble with that. God is working on my heart and my resolve. So in light of all that, let me give you a bit of good news. I have been offered a job at the school I sub at. It wouldn't start until next school year and the pay is really bad but it would be more than I make now. I am really excited it about it. I haven't accepted yet, but more than likely I will.

I have found a song that is so perfect for the way I feel right now. Every time I listen to it, I feel as though God is speaking to me. He is telling me that He is here with me. He knows the pain I feel. He knows how my heart breaks almost daily. He knows my shame and He knows my worry. He knows I feel remorse for the pain I have caused to another. He knows my desires. He knows that with His help I will make it through this. I will feel human again someday.

The song is Losing Control by Audio Adrenaline. It is from their Until My Heart Caves In album. Audio A has been one of my favorite bands since I was in high school. They never sold out to the secular world and always kept the Gospel in their music. I was very sad to hear they were breaking up. I would have loved to have been at the last concert in Hawaii. Can you imagine?

There is only one line in the song I cannot relate to. It says. "This is what it feels like for a man to cry." I am not a man so therefore I would not know what it is like for one to cry. I have put the lyrics below. I really recommend you listen to the actual song because the lyrics have much more impact with the music and Mark Stuart's voice. I really wanted to put the song somewhere on here so readers could listen to it. Apparently, I am not computer savvy enough to do that. The only thing I could find was a Highlander montage on YouTube. It really doesn't do the song justice. You can go to imeem.com and search for it there. They have a complete version of it.

"Losing Control"

This is what it feels like
To lose control
This is what it feels like
To be left alone
This is what it feels like
To lose a friend
This is what it feels like
To reach the end

God came down
And walked beside me
God came down
He sent friends to guide me
God came down to remind me
This is what it feels like
To be loved

This is what it feels like
To face the truth
This is what it feels like
To know it's through
This is what it feels like
To say goodbye
This is what it feels like
For a man to cry

On a personal note: I would like to say something to a dear friend if he is even still reading my blog. To my dearest friend, you know who you are. I am so sorry for hurting you. I pray someday we will be friends again. Until that time, I miss you and pray you are well.

There is so much more I could write, but I need to finish making dinner. We are having meatloaf. And I am not sure I have all the words to say everything I want to anyway. I will try to write a more coherent and upbeat post next time. Until then, thanks for reading.

The rhythm of my soul...

I have been going through a particularly hard time recently. Please don’t ask for details because I am not ready to talk about it. To be honest, I am not sure I will ever be ready to talk about it, but I have made an interesting observation.

I was feeling very down on the way home from the evening service on Sunday. I was struck by the revelation I had lost a dear friend, possibly forever. I didn’t want to cry. I just kind of felt blank or numb. It was kind of like the feeling one gets after learning of the death of a loved one and after the first round of tears. I guess you could call it disbelief or resignation.

The CD in my stereo when I got in my car was an old Amy Grant. I really like it, but it has lots of sappy songs on it and I was just not in the mood. I traded it out for the Wake Up! Wake Up! album from Everyday Sunday. Now they are not a heavy metal band but they do have some amazing rock songs.

As I was driving home, I listened. At points, the guitars seemed to be beating themselves against my emotions. It was like they were trying to beat some feeling back into my soul. It was as if the music was feeling my pain and was trying to empathize with me. Trying to comfort me in some way. I realized this is why I love rock.

Since before I owned my own stereo, I have loved music. I own more than 400 CDs ranging from classical to dance to hip hop to country to rock. And as long as I can remember, I have listened to whatever suited my mood. If I feel hyper, I listen to Relient K or FM Static. If I feel mellow, I listen to Michael W. Smith or Casting Crowns. If I feel rebellious, I listen to MxPx. If I feel nostalgic, I listen to Three Dog Night or Tom Petty. If I feel sentimental, I listen to Toby Keith. Ask me any mood and I can name a band I would listen to.

I didn’t realize until that evening it is because they seem to speak to something inside of me I am unaware of. It almost seems as if the sound frequencies resonate with something inside me. Almost like an actual physical reaction to sound stimuli.

There have been times when I wanted to listen to music but I couldn’t find anything to suit my mood. Maybe it is because I don’t have that one album with that specific frequency I need. I may have to do more research on the subject. Thanks for reading.