Role models...

Today I have been a teacher, a student, a friend, a co-worker. I have been a chair, an octopus, an omnivore, an encourager. I have been flattered, frustrated, joyous, tired, hungry. I have been so many things today and that was before lunch!

We are complex creatures. We feel; we think; we live. Have you ever stopped to think about all the roles you play in the lives of the people around you? Let me give you an example. Take my teaching partner. Today, I have been her teaching partner, her co-worker, her friend. That's just in the last five hours.

Stop to think about the impact you may have on someone and not even know it. Not all roles are postive. You can be someone's enemy, someone's problem, someone's bully. I believe our lives are all connected. Every action we do has an affect on someone, somewhere.

Mind boggling, isn't it? Thanks for reading.

Musings of a wondering heart...

The air is thick and sweet with moisture today. There is a chill breeze blowing across the city. Heavy gray clouds hang in the sky like pieces of conversation. Occasionally, they share a word or two with us.

The promise of spring is teasing me, kissing my hair, caressing my cheek. Winter quickly slaps away its hand, but the memory lingers.

I long for sunny days and warm nights. I long for time with friends, laughing and enjoying each other's company. I long for flip flops and shorts. I long for summer.

Having been born in the summer, I am a child of the summer. I need the sunshine to make it through the day sometimes. I need the longer days. I feel sick and weak when the sun sets at five o'clock in the evening.

Winter is always hard for me. Especially January when it seems the sunshine is dying and the world will never wake from its icy slumber. I often have to fight depression and loneliness during this time.

But spring is around the corner and soon the sounds of birds and the smell of fresh grass will overwhelm my senses again. Spring always brings with it the promise of new things and fresh starts.

I think I will go to China this summer with my church. They go every year to work at an orphanage and fellowship with college students. It would not be an easy trip. I will have to raise close to $3000. I will have to miss the family reunion and a wedding. The emotional toll will be great. I have a soft, kind heart that is easily bruised by the cruelty and despair around me. But I feel I need to go.

That restlessness is settling into my bones again. The desire to just drive and see where I end up. Last time that happened, I quit my job, spent 10 weeks in Greenville SC, worked a month in Alabama and then moved to Alabama. I wonder where it will take me this time. But it is different this time. This time, I don't want to do it alone.

I'm finding I don't want to do alot of things alone. Watching movies, eating out, driving. There have been times when my bed seems so big and empty, even though it is only a full size. I am even beginning to not like being in my apartment alone. When the weather is nice enough, I will sit on my balcony just to listen to the world around me.

I suppose I have no more musings for you today. I am sure I could think of some but it is time for me to meet with my family for a meal. Thanks for reading.

Silky, beautiful locks...

As some of you know, I am in the process of growing out my hair to donate to Locks of Love. My hair was a considerable length but the last 4 or 5 inches were dry, brittle and badly damaged. I had been meaning to have it trimmed for some time but I always ran out of time or money.

I was talking to my Sunday School teacher last week about my desire to donate my hair but how I wanted to make sure I donated healthy, usable hair. She informed me she had gone to cosmotology school and would be more than happy to trim my hair for free.

So yesterday evening I went to her house and told her to take off all the dead ends which is exactly what she did. My hair is now about 5 inches shorter but it looks so healthy and pretty. I have had so many comments on it today. It feels really short to me but it is still below my shoulders.

In order to donate it, I have to have 10 inches. I still have about 2 or 3 inches to grow before I can donate, but with the help of Jennifer (she has offered to continue trimming it and help with the donating process), I don't think it will take that long. My hair grows pretty fast. Thanks for reading.

Treading the halls of sanity...

Just off the border of your waking mind,
There lies another time,
Where darkness and light are one.
And as you tread the halls of sanity,
You feel so glad to be unable to go on.
I have a message from another time.

Prologue by Brave Saint Saturn

I feel weird today. I was staring at a door frame earlier and it started vibrating. No matter how many times I looked away and looked back, it was always vibrating. Like it was an illusion trying its best to stay together. I feel like I am disconnected from my body. Like this is not really reality. Like I am part of something I don't even realize..like the Matrix but weirder.

I dreamt last night about a former co-worker chasing black and white kangaroos down the highway so I am pretty sure I am in the right reality. Or am I? Maybe what I think is "normal" is just someone else's dream.

I have had a funny plasticky taste in my mouth all day. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and I am laying on a table somewhere with a tube down my throat. Or maybe I was in a terrible accident I can't remember and I am laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on to life.

Or maybe I am just tired. I feel tired, but it is a funny kind of tired. I don't feel like sleeping. I just feel like staring off into space. Sitting as still as possible. Seeing what happens. To see if I can stop all sensation in my body. To see if I can make myself completely numb.

I have no reason to feel numb. I just want to see if I can do it. I have this strange awareness of my body today. I can feel my flesh clinging to my bones and my skin doing its best to hold it all together. It is a very unsettling awareness. I am beginning to wonder if this is a lingering side effect of my previous depression like the nagging cough that remains after a cold.

Or maybe I just feel weird. Thanks for reading.

I am resolute...

For those of you who read my last post, I am doing much better now thanks to my best friend. He always seems to know exactly what I need.

I went back to work today after two weeks of glorious laziness. I was sad to see my freetime ending but I woke up this morning excited about going back to work. I didn't realize how much I missed my students until I saw their trusting little faces today. Of course, this makes my New Year's resolution even harder.

I have decided for my resolution this year I am going to get a better job. I need to do what is the right thing for me and I feel this is it. I do not want to leave because I love my students and really enjoy working with my partner. I will miss my students and co-workers terribly.

I am doing this because there are things I want that I cannot afford at this time. I want to be able to stay in my apartment. I want to get Internet. I want to get a dog. I want to be able to have regular manicures.

I know this sounds selfish, and to a degree, it is. But I am the type of person who will bend over backwards to make everyone around me happy, usually at the risk of making myself miserable, and I have decided it is time for me to start making me happy.

Wow...that sounds really conceited and cold. Well, maybe that is the way I am. Or maybe I am just ready to start living my life the way I want to live it. Thanks for reading.

Falling inside the black...

~Don't leave me here like this. Can't hear me scream from the abyss.~Falling Inside the Black by Skillet

My ears are ringing from the beating I gave them from cranking Skillet in my car. My eyes are heavy and wet with unshed tears. My stomach is bloated from the sugar and fat I have been shoving in my face to suppress the pain. The abuse is the physical evidence of the attempts to fill the gaping hole in my soul.

Today is January 1. I am fighting the despair that seems to possess me. It is a new year. Will this one be better than last year? Who knows? Is my depression temporary? More than likely. I think it is a mixture of holiday blues, loneliness, rebellion and the desire to not return to work.

I will probably feel better tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

The fragility of life...

As she was walking back with her class, a student slipped something through the chainlink fence to her sister who is one of my students. The little girl was very excited about her gift. She brought it over exclaiming proudly that it was a flower. In her chubby fingers was a delicate pink flower. The teacher in me saw the opportunity to explore the world around us.

I sat down on a bench so I would be at her level. We talked about the color of the flower and marveled at its intricacies and beauty. I slipped the flower into one of her pigtails and we talked about how pretty she was. My teaching partner took a picture with her phone so the 2 year old could see it. Of course, it did not stay there long before curious little fingers sought it out.

As she took it out of her hair for me to hold, a couple of the petals fell off. She took them in her tiny fingers and looked at them. I was about to discuss the silky texture with her when she ripped them to pieces and rolled up the scraps. She tossed them to the ground and ran off to play, the broken petals forgotten.

I was struck by how her wonder at creation had turned destructive. Without a second thought, she had obliterated a little piece of the world. But I suppose this is how young children learn. What happens if I tear this or cut this? Can I put it back together? My students are too young to understand the finality of death. But I wonder if by destroying things around them, they are unknowingly preparing themselves for the harsh reality of decay and loss.

As a Christian, death is not something I fear. I know what will happen to me when I die. I will see beloved family members and friends again. I will be with my Precious Lord and Savior. But my heart goes out to those people who do not have this eternal security. Are you one of them? If you are, please feel free to contact me. I would love to discuss it with you. Thanks for reading.