Treading the halls of sanity...

Just off the border of your waking mind,
There lies another time,
Where darkness and light are one.
And as you tread the halls of sanity,
You feel so glad to be unable to go on.
I have a message from another time.

Prologue by Brave Saint Saturn

I feel weird today. I was staring at a door frame earlier and it started vibrating. No matter how many times I looked away and looked back, it was always vibrating. Like it was an illusion trying its best to stay together. I feel like I am disconnected from my body. Like this is not really reality. Like I am part of something I don't even realize..like the Matrix but weirder.

I dreamt last night about a former co-worker chasing black and white kangaroos down the highway so I am pretty sure I am in the right reality. Or am I? Maybe what I think is "normal" is just someone else's dream.

I have had a funny plasticky taste in my mouth all day. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and I am laying on a table somewhere with a tube down my throat. Or maybe I was in a terrible accident I can't remember and I am laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on to life.

Or maybe I am just tired. I feel tired, but it is a funny kind of tired. I don't feel like sleeping. I just feel like staring off into space. Sitting as still as possible. Seeing what happens. To see if I can stop all sensation in my body. To see if I can make myself completely numb.

I have no reason to feel numb. I just want to see if I can do it. I have this strange awareness of my body today. I can feel my flesh clinging to my bones and my skin doing its best to hold it all together. It is a very unsettling awareness. I am beginning to wonder if this is a lingering side effect of my previous depression like the nagging cough that remains after a cold.

Or maybe I just feel weird. Thanks for reading.

I am resolute...

For those of you who read my last post, I am doing much better now thanks to my best friend. He always seems to know exactly what I need.

I went back to work today after two weeks of glorious laziness. I was sad to see my freetime ending but I woke up this morning excited about going back to work. I didn't realize how much I missed my students until I saw their trusting little faces today. Of course, this makes my New Year's resolution even harder.

I have decided for my resolution this year I am going to get a better job. I need to do what is the right thing for me and I feel this is it. I do not want to leave because I love my students and really enjoy working with my partner. I will miss my students and co-workers terribly.

I am doing this because there are things I want that I cannot afford at this time. I want to be able to stay in my apartment. I want to get Internet. I want to get a dog. I want to be able to have regular manicures.

I know this sounds selfish, and to a degree, it is. But I am the type of person who will bend over backwards to make everyone around me happy, usually at the risk of making myself miserable, and I have decided it is time for me to start making me happy.

Wow...that sounds really conceited and cold. Well, maybe that is the way I am. Or maybe I am just ready to start living my life the way I want to live it. Thanks for reading.

Falling inside the black...

~Don't leave me here like this. Can't hear me scream from the abyss.~Falling Inside the Black by Skillet

My ears are ringing from the beating I gave them from cranking Skillet in my car. My eyes are heavy and wet with unshed tears. My stomach is bloated from the sugar and fat I have been shoving in my face to suppress the pain. The abuse is the physical evidence of the attempts to fill the gaping hole in my soul.

Today is January 1. I am fighting the despair that seems to possess me. It is a new year. Will this one be better than last year? Who knows? Is my depression temporary? More than likely. I think it is a mixture of holiday blues, loneliness, rebellion and the desire to not return to work.

I will probably feel better tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

The fragility of life...

As she was walking back with her class, a student slipped something through the chainlink fence to her sister who is one of my students. The little girl was very excited about her gift. She brought it over exclaiming proudly that it was a flower. In her chubby fingers was a delicate pink flower. The teacher in me saw the opportunity to explore the world around us.

I sat down on a bench so I would be at her level. We talked about the color of the flower and marveled at its intricacies and beauty. I slipped the flower into one of her pigtails and we talked about how pretty she was. My teaching partner took a picture with her phone so the 2 year old could see it. Of course, it did not stay there long before curious little fingers sought it out.

As she took it out of her hair for me to hold, a couple of the petals fell off. She took them in her tiny fingers and looked at them. I was about to discuss the silky texture with her when she ripped them to pieces and rolled up the scraps. She tossed them to the ground and ran off to play, the broken petals forgotten.

I was struck by how her wonder at creation had turned destructive. Without a second thought, she had obliterated a little piece of the world. But I suppose this is how young children learn. What happens if I tear this or cut this? Can I put it back together? My students are too young to understand the finality of death. But I wonder if by destroying things around them, they are unknowingly preparing themselves for the harsh reality of decay and loss.

As a Christian, death is not something I fear. I know what will happen to me when I die. I will see beloved family members and friends again. I will be with my Precious Lord and Savior. But my heart goes out to those people who do not have this eternal security. Are you one of them? If you are, please feel free to contact me. I would love to discuss it with you. Thanks for reading.

Seeping into my bones...

I have been thinking a lot about the cold lately. Not the nasty virus that is the bane of existence to anyone who works with small children, but the temperature kind. I am a self-professed wimp when it comes to chilly weather, which we have had the last few nights here in Amarillo. It was 40 degrees when we went to the playground this morning and I had on a sweater, a coat, a pair of gloves and a beanie. Yes, I am a wimp. I DO NOT like being cold.

It occurred to me that I don't mind when a room is cold when it is hot outside and the AC is on. I wondered what the difference is. Cold is cold, right? After thinking about it, I came to a conclusion. There is a difference between natural cold and artificial cold.

Now I am no science aficionado. I am taking a biology class at the moment that is kicking my tail. But here is how I understand cold. It doesn't really exist. Cold is really just the absence of heat. It can be infinitely hot but once you hit absolute zero that's it. You can't get any colder. You have a total absence of heat. This is natural cold.

Artificial cold is different. In the summer when the AC is on, the room is still surrounded by heat. There is still heat outside. So it is not so much an absence of heat but a covering of heat. The room acts as an oasis in the midst of vast amounts of heat. The body knows it is really hot outside and the cold is just an illusion.

So here is the reason I can stand artificial cold but am terribly bothered by natural cold. Artificial cold is only skin-deep. Just step outside and the sun melts it away and warmth is quickly restored. Natural cold is all pervasive. It seeps into my bones and tissues. Even when I am in a well heated room. I can feel the cold licking at me from the windows and doorways. It causes discomfort on a cellular level that makes it almost impossible to remove. This is why I don't want any part of me to be cold. This is why I will be covered from head to toe if possible.

So here is my science of cold. Again let me stress, I am by no means a science expert. But then again, I always have an alternate explanation for everything. Thanks for reading.

Precious moments...

The last couple of posts have been kind of self-deprecating. I am not like that all the time, but I do have my days. Doesn't everybody? So I have decided to write a more upbeat and, I hope, entertaining post.

As you probably know, I work at a school. My students are toddlers so we have many adventures together. I love my students, each and every one. Even the ones that make me want to tear my hair out at times. Sometimes, these tiny little humans amaze me. So I have decided to share some of my favorite moments.

One of my students is an 18-month old boy. He is the cutest little thing. And I mean little. He is our youngest student and our smallest. On Thursdays, the school librarian hikes down to the basement from the top floor and reads to us. During one of these storytimes, this student climbed into my lap. Sitting next to me was one of the other 18-month olds. She put her tiny hand on my leg. The student sitting on my lap looked at her, forcefully shoved her hand away and said, quite proudly, "Mine!" I was laughing too much to get on to him for being hateful.

Another of our students is a blond-haired boy who is 2. He has beautiful curls and a light dusting of freckles on his nose. If you have ever listened to Five Iron Frenzy, they have a song called Dandelions. This boy reminds me of that song every time I see him. One day he said something to me and I just giggled and told him he was a cutie patootie. He grinned at me and said, "Yep. I'm cute."

Not all of my favorite memories are funny. Some of the ones I cherish the most are when a child crawls into my lap because they just want to be comforted. I love it when one of my students runs up and give me a hug just because. I also love it when they reach up and tenderly touch my cheek. I love it when they say my name though sometimes it is hard to understand.

I am blessed to have the opportunity to share part of my life with these children. They are so innocent and untainted by the world. They have such faith in the adults around them. I am honored to be one of their caregivers. It saddens me to think about leaving them.

I have thought a lot recently about finding another job. My roommate is now gone and I have the whole apartment to myself. I love it. I would really like to keep it that way. To do that, I need to make more money. A second job is out of the question. I already work extra at the school to help pay the bills which means I work about 10 hours everyday. Plus, I have classes and church activities. I am already so busy. Adding another job to the mix would probably push me over the edge.

But I hate the thought of leaving my students. I have been praying a lot about what I should do. I'll figure something out. Thanks for reading.

Slideshow woes...

Have you ever felt like you have missed out on something? That because of some mistake or inaction on your part you have altered the course of your life, but you have no idea what it was? Have you ever had reason to celebrate with a friend, but was having trouble doing so because of your own sadness?

I can say yes to all of these questions. In fact, I did just that on Saturday. My roommate got married a couple of weeks ago. Being that they are both from the Minnesota area, it was only natural they were married there. So in order not to snub all their Amarillo friends and family, they had a reception last Saturday. She was kind enough to invite myself and my mom.

I was ok until the slide show. As I watched the pictures of their 4-year relationship, I began to feel strange. There was picture after picture of them together. They looked so happy and so comfortable together. I realized towards the end of the show that what I was feeling was jealousy. Why it took me so long to realize this, I don't know. Unfortunately, I am familiar with this particular emotion.

After the slide show was over, I had this sinking feeling I was missing out on something wonderful and mysterious to me. I began to think about all the hearts I had broken. I began to think about all the people I had let myself drift apart from. As my heart caved in, I felt terrible dispair that I had missed my chance.

I know this is probably not true. I know many people who have gotten married for the first time who were older than 27. My roommate is one of them. It just seems that there are so many more who had been married for several years by the time they were 27. You are probably thinking the same thing I am right now. Maybe I dwell on this too much.

So tell me...how do I stop dwelling on it? I know most of you will say pray about it. I do that. Everyday. But surely there are other things I can do. Anyone have any suggestions?

I have had time to think about it since then. I don't feel jealous anymore. I now have a great apartment all to myself and I love every minute of it. But there are some days when I wish I had someone to share it with who was more than just a roommate. I have gotten to the point where I am satisfied in my singleness...most of the time. I still have my moments.

I know he is out there somewhere. I believe God would not give me such a strong desire for companionship if He wasn't preparing someone just for me. I ask all my readers who pray to pray I can be content in my situation until the time when God deems it needs to change.

Thanks for reading.