Saturday, August 2, 2008
As time swings by...
I was swinging on the swings yesterday morning on the playground. Occasionally, I like to have a good swing. It clears the mind and freshens the blood. At least until I get nauseous. But there is always one point in my pendulum when panic sets in. It is almost a terror.
I realized as the fear gripped my belly that it happens when I stop controlling the swing. It is the moment when I have decided I have swung enough and it is time to stop. It is the moment when I stop willfully making the swing go. It is the moment when gravity takes over and I am at its mercy. At this point in my free fall, it came to me that I like to be in control. That is why there is always that terror that sets in. I am no longer in control.
Maybe that is part of my problem. Maybe I am too controlling. I don’t let God just take over. I am always thinking of ways I can help God. What a laugh! Me helping God? He doesn’t need my help. He is the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing Creator of everything we know. How can I, a mere human of little worth, think of a better way to do things?
I didn’t start driving until I was almost 19. I was always scared of driving. I was always afraid the car was going hit a curb or run into another car. It wasn’t until I started driving that I realized it was because I was not in control of the vehicle when someone else was driving. My life and safety were in the hands of someone else. I had no control over where my body was being carried.
I think being scared is also part of my problem. I have been scared almost all my life. Scared of being hurt, scared of being betrayed, scared of feeling anything in case the person didn’t return my feelings, scared of failing. The risk involved seemed to be outweighed by the desire to maintain control. My timidity has left me lonely and companionless. I am working on this. But pain has never been easy for me.
There have been times in my life when I have handed over the reigns and let God do His thing. When I moved to Alabama on a whim, for example. There were a lot of things out of my control then. I was never sure I was going to have everything I needed from one day to the next. I had to rely on Him for everything, even the will to get out of bed some days.
I believe with all my heart I was supposed to go to Alabama. Getting me there was too easy for it not to have been a God thing. I am still not entirely sure why He sent me there. I thought at the time I was going to be there for a very long time. Maybe it was just to teach me that I can make it on my own if I truly rely on Him. Maybe it was just to get me out of Amarillo during that specific time. Maybe it was just to place me in someone’s life for a brief moment before moving on. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for the short time I was allowed to be there.
Thinking back, there are a lot of things about my life now that would be different had I not moved. I wouldn’t have moved out of my parents’ house. I wouldn’t have a job I love at the school. I would still be working at the library. Maybe not in the same position but still miserable, I’m sure. I wouldn’t have had the experiences and revelations of maturity. I am not even sure I would be the same person I am today.
It amazes me how the things we survive affect the way we grow. I think about the events in my life that have had a major impact on me. Some were good; some were bad. But they all had a part in making me the person I am today. In ten years, after all the experiences I haven’t had yet happen, I will be a different person than I am today. I wonder what my almost 37 year old self will be like.
Well, for now, I am trying to be happy with my almost 27 year old self and enjoying apartment life. I am trying to meet new people and do new things. I am trying to open myself to more experiences. One never knows when one of those life-change moments will happen. Thanks for reading.