A leap of randomness...

Today is February 29th. This day only comes around every four years. I decided I really needed to post something today just because I will not get this chance again until I am 30. So in honor of the weirdest day in four years, here is some randomness.

I have decided to stay in Amarillo. I am looking into getting an internship and today I added myself to the sub list at school so I will probably start getting more calls to sub. I also got my first sub check. I was surprised. I am making more than I thought I was so I am definitely going to try to get more calls.

My family eats alot of popcorn. So much so, Mom buys it in bulk at Sam's. I have one of these empty boxes in my room because my room is in various stages of being packed. I noticed the other day on the side of the box it says, "100% whole grain popcorn." Okay, now I don't grow popcorn and I wouldn't want to tell someone how to do their busines, but isn't it impossible to have less than 100% whole grain popcorn? Wouldn't that ruin the physics of how the popcorn pops? It struck me as rather absurd that they even put that on the box.

In some of my previous posts, it may have come off that I don't like Amarillo. This is simply not true. Amarillo is my hometown and will always have a special place in my heart where ever I may live. So to make it up to the great city, I am going to list 10 things I love about Amarillo.

1. It is the largest city in the Panhandle.
2. It is mentioned in books, T.V. shows, movies and songs numerous time.
3. It is home of the free 72 oz. steak.
4. It is home to the Cadillac Ranch.
5. Most of my family lives here.
6. On the outskirts, you can see for miles in any direction on a clear day.
7. We have a professional hockey team, the Amarillo Gorillas.
8. We have random signs around town that are entertaining and thought provoking.
9. The name means "yellow."
10. We have more restaurants than anywhere else I have ever been and we are always building new ones.

So there is all the randomness I can think of today. Happy Leap Day and thanks for reading.

All I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten...

I subbed in a kindergarten class today. It was a lot of fun. Of course, the class I subbed in is team taught so I was really just there for crowd control and to get some things done that the teachers have fallen behind on. I made play dough and laminated things. I put together a book that the children had written and illustrated. I helped them make “fossils” and checked their math papers.

But my favorite thing was when I went to the other room and supervised free play time. I sat and watched the boys and girls as they played their various games. One little boy sat by himself and happily colored a paper crown. Most of them played house. They pretended they were in a restaurant for dogs. I saw more that one little girl pretend to have serious conversations on the play telephone.

As I sat and watched them play, I realized how much I really want children. I think I would be a good mom. I am so ready to get married and start a family. It is one of the prayers I pray the most. God knows my desires and I believe He wouldn’t give me such desires if He wasn’t planning on fulfilling them. All I have to do is have faith that God will provide and wait for Him to do so.

Tonight I am going to go to the youth group and see how I interact with the teens. The student minister is considering making me an intern. I will go tonight and Sunday morning to see how I like it. It doesn’t pay very well (what internship does?) so I wouldn’t be able to move out as quickly as I would like. I am going to see how tonight and Sunday go, but I am really leaning towards the “grown up” thing so I can move out.

I ask that you be praying for me as I decide whether to accept the internship (if things go well) or if I should try to find more gainful employment. I have tasted independence when I moved to Alabama and I really want that again, but again I want to do what God wants me to do. So say a little pray for me and thanks for reading.

Well, that was gross...

Every once and a while, I make an error in judgment. I think I do this to prove to myself that I am not as perfect as I think I am. What terrible thing have I done you ask? Wouldn’t you like to know! You probably really do so I will tell you.

I went and saw Sweeney Todd. Why, you ask? Two words: Johnny Depp. Of course, there were several things about the movie that should have thrown up red flags. The fact that the word “demon” appears in the title. Or maybe the R rating it was given. Combined with the fact that Tim Burton directed it and Johnny Depp starred in it should have had every warning sign in my head blaring my eardrums out. But how could I resist the chance to see Johnny Depp sing?

And sing he does as he slits the throats of innocent men who have only come to get a simple shave only to end up in Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies. If you were really planning on seeing the movie and hadn’t yet, then I just ruined it for you. Sorry. If you don’t want to know any more about the movie, quit reading, turn off your computer and come back for the next installment of my adventures.

Alright, if you are still reading, I assume you have either seen the movie or don’t want to see the movie and need ample evidence for not seeing it. It was a bloody movie. I don’t like bloody, gory movies. The blood in this movie, though, resembled temper paint which made it funny in a sadistic and creepy way. I will admit I did close my eyes a few times when I knew he was about to do something violent. Of course, that was probably all he and various other characters did for the last 45 minutes of a too long movie.

Another thing that bothered me was Johnny Depp dies. When I go to see a movie that has one my favorite actors in it, I expect them to make it to the end of the movie. I mean it is the least they could do for luring me to spend money on something I may not otherwise have spent it on. Of course, in this case it was only $1.50.

So there you have it, a case in point that I do have lapses in judgment. I would not recommend anyone go see this movie. Even if you really want to hear Johnny Depp sing. Thanks for reading.

And the beat goes on....

Today, I was a beatnik. I even read some of my poetry. The fourth and fifth grade classes at the school that I sub for invited me to take part in their Beatnik Poetry Café. I have read in their class before so I guess they like my work enough to want to hear more.

I got to dress up. I love to dress up. I was really sad when we stopped celebrating Halloween when I was in the third grade. I don’t often have a good excuse to dress up. But today I dressed up like a beatnik. There are pictures of me somewhere; I just have to wait until I receive them. I promise you will see me dressed up as a beatnik, Miah, but you may be disappointed.

It was really fun. They had put the desks together and put little table cloths on them. It looked like a little café. They even had bongos and a beat machine. They served cappuccino, hot chocolate, iced tea and cookies. (I had hot chocolate and a sugar cookie.) I think the kids liked the poem I had picked out for them. I actually felt kind of bad. I had started writing a poem specifically for them but it just wasn’t right so I couldn’t present it. Below is the poem I read to them. Anonymous, I think you will enjoy this one much better than the last one.

Without You, I Am Human

I am weak-minded and ignorant.
I have sought wisdom from my own resources.
Always, failing, I move ahead to the past left behind.
I reach for myself when faced with a choice.
There, I find nothing, yet drown in it.
God, you remind me of your strength.
Now, you allow me to comprehend the sights before me.
Revealing my love for you, the gossamer floors of my mind collapse.
Reminding me,
Without you, I am human.

I wrote this when I was a summer missionary in Memphis, TN. I wrote a lot of poems that summer. It was a life changing experience.

So everything else is going pretty well. I have applied for a youth internship at my church, but I haven’t heard anything about it yet. If that doesn’t work out, I will start looking for another job. I am so ready to have a place of my own. I am ready to move out again, maybe not quite as far as Alabama, though that would totally rock.

Subbing has made me nostalgic. I usually only sub in the afternoons so I get there about recess time. When it is really cold outside, like it has been the last couple of days, the kids play inside. So I would go to the room and watch them play. I remember the days when I could make up stories, play games and be a kid. Ah, those were the days. It also stirs the maternal instinct in me. That keeps getting stronger the older I get.

Well that is about all I can think of for now. I will post those pics as soon as I get them. Thanks for reading.

Scum between my toes...

That’s what I feel like: scum. I have hurt someone and I have never even met him. I was contacted on MySpace and asked to lunch. I accepted with the rationale I was never going to meet anybody if I never put myself out there. Because of various reasons, we were never able to actually go out. I prayed about it and decided I shouldn’t pursue it because it was not going to work out. I didn’t want to give him false hope because I knew it would not have worked out. I have certain standards I adhere to. Many have told me they are too high, but they are important enough to me that I will not compromise. I was just trying to make myself feel better. I am a horrible person, I know. So now I have hurt someone and I feel worse than pond scum.

Being a Christian, I am ashamed of my behavior. We should love all of God’s creatures. I was merely using someone because I knew he would give me attention I crave. But I would not have reciprocated. It would have been unfair to all involved. It would have ended badly. It hurts now, but it would have been far worse if I had let it continue. I know from personal experience. I would give the numbers of those I have hurt the same way in the past, but they no longer speak to me and I have no idea where they are now.

So here is my confession. I am ashamed and pray the person involved will forgive me and move on.

I will survive...

I survived Valentine’s Day. I always do, but there is still that linger doubt every year of whether I will make it through one more. I even got some chocolates from my father. Mom and I watched Music & Lyrics (Which is slowly becoming one of my favorites. In fact I am watching it again as I write this. Hugh Grant is hilariously sexy in this movie.) Then we found out my sister was going out with friends, so Mom and I went and got some Japanese take-out, went home and watched Chocolat.(Another of my favs. I watched it the first time because Johnny Depp *sigh* is in it. Of course, he is only in it for about 45 minutes, but it is still a great story.) Then we devoured some of the chocolate Mom got from her students. So really, all in all it was a good evening.

Well, they are forecasting lots of nasty cold precipitation in the morning. Just the thought of it makes me shiver and cringe. Have I ever mentioned the fact that I HATE the cold? I mean I HATE it. I don’t use that word very often. In fact, there is only two things on God’s green earth I can apply that word to without reserve: cold and spiders. I will probably spend the day cleaning and studying.

I have decided I need to grow up. I think I have said this before. I think it is time to quit chasing this dream of going back to Alabama. I am going to go ahead and send my application to the camp, but I am also going to start applying for jobs here in Amarillo. I am so ready to move out and start being independent. I came to the realization I have been trying to get back to Alabama so hard, I have missed the fact that I am here in Texas. Maybe the reason I hadn’t been getting any answers was because I already had them. I was just being too stubborn to see them. That is not to say that Alabama is totally out of the question; I just may not make it back any time soon.

I am in need of prayer, not so much for guidance but for a break down of will. I need to be content with my situation as it is. When He sees fit, God will change it. This will be a daily struggle for me. I also ask for prayer in staying in the Word and in prayer. I also have an unspoken request. So I am signing of for now. Thanks for reading.

Emotional vomit

I had trouble getting out of bed today. I have had a massive headache that comes and goes since Sunday. It makes me dizzy and nauseous. Every so often my vision gets blurry. But that is not the only reason I couldn’t get out of bed today. I couldn’t get out of bed because I am tired emotionally. I am heading into a depression. I can always feel them coming on like some people feel a cold coming on. First there is the desire for things to be the way they were. Then comes the irritability where I snap for the littlest reasons. Then comes the feeling that no one in the world wants me and the cynicism directed at everything. This is followed by the feeling of being utterly alone even when I am surrounded by people. Sometimes I think if I don’t get out of bed, I can stave it off and I will not have to deal with it. I have learned to recognize the signs and most of the time, I can stop it before it gets out of hand.

But I did get out of bed this morning which is a good thing because staying in bed is really not the best answer. It would really only make things worse. I had to sub today. I felt better once I got to school. Children have a way of making an adult feel better with the smallest gestures. One little girl came up and told me she wanted to give me my Valentine present early. It was a big hug.

I usually have an episode of depression around Valentine’s Day. I have never had a Valentine to share the day with so consequently I am a little jaded about the day. I struggle with my singleness and this day only serves to further frustrate me. I am continually praying to God to send someone my way or give me a peace about being single. I am still working on it.

It also doesn’t help that my grandpa died on Valentine’s Day. He was my hero and even two years later I still miss him. He was a great man of God and always had a smile. He loved his family even though I don’t ever remember him actually telling me that he loved me. I just knew he did. I knew I could always turn to him when I needed to.

Over the years I have come to realize it is these episodes that push everyone away from me. Most people don’t understand me. I am an emotional person. I am also very passionate. I love people and sometimes I love them too strongly and it scares them. I have a tender heart and I am reluctant to share it with people because I bruise easily. Usually these episodes only last a couple of days, but sometimes they drag on. That is when I begin to say things and do things that push people away. So really it is my own fault I have very few friends. I have learned as an adult to deal with it, but it is still a struggle. One that I am tired of fighting alone.

Some of you may be wondering why I would write about such things. Writing has always been an out and an escape for me. I can pour my soul onto a piece of paper or computer screen, evaluate it and feel better about my conclusion. Words are the medium I use to paint the pictures of my life. It is therapy for me. Many have been the times when I have had a bad day and written an email to an understanding friend who knows that I just need to get something off my chest. I call it emotional vomit.

So with that lengthy intro, here is a piece I wrote during one of my episodes. Be warned: it is dark and unlike previous pieces, there is no mention of God. I think I was in college when I wrote it. Be aware this is not the condition of my soul all time. This is merely a window into a small part of my life. I really do have times when I am happy and convivial. I just also happen to have times of deep sadness and torment and these seem to be the ones people remember. Please do not judge me for something you may not understand. This may be the last piece I post for a while so enjoy. Thanks for reading.

I Cry Alone

I cry alone
In solitude.
Encased in my cotton peace,
I cry alone.
Each sob rends open my soul.
I am scorned and I am hated.
There is nothing left for me
But friendly betrayal.

I cry alone
In my dark expanse
Where no one can hear
My soul shatter into a million pieces.
Oh, yes, I cry alone.

Exhaustion and dancing...

I am tired. I subbed all week long and six year olds can really wear a girl out. It didn’t help that I was up at 6:30 this morning because I had a ton of school work to do. I got most of it done, but I still have another chapter to read and a midterm to take by midnight tomorrow.

I have been asked to post another poem so here it is. It is one of my mom’s favorites. This is a piece I wrote when I was serving as a summer missionary in Memphis, TN in the summer of 1999. I had just graduated from high school so I was only 17. The band that did our praise and worship introduced me to a praise song that has become one of my very favorites. In the chorus is the line “there is nowhere else that I’d rather be than dancing with you as you sing over me.” Dancing with God? Can you imagine? The thought had never occurred to me. Being raised in a Baptist home, you can imagine how much effort I had to exert trying to wrap my brain around that image. This poem is the result of that effort. Thanks for reading.

Dancing With God

I stand alone, broken and humble.
You take my hand, twirling me.
With perfect grace and time, you dance along.
I feel safe and secure as we dance toward morning.
Love sweeps us up, awesome love.
I stumble and fall, but you pick me up with ease.
I am carried along in your arms, ever rejoicing.