Thursday, January 31, 2008

A little creative writing...

This piece was nibbling on my brain most of yesterday evening and wouldn’t let me go to sleep until I wrote it down. For some reason, I feel I need to share it so here it is. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it.


The scars crisscross my heart like highways on a map. White and rigid. Coarse and ragged. The bands searing my flesh, sculpting their way into the red tissue. Each one a reminder of a broken relationship, a latent word. They constrict my heart as it tries to do its job, tries to send life it does not have to the limbs. Pain tears across my chest as the organ breaks a little more, assumes another scar. It tries one more time to be brave, one more time to be courageous but fails to impress even itself. With unbidden tears, it gives up. It ends its charade of life and surrenders. It no longer can survive on its own, the shackles squeezing until every drop is gone.

Thump, thump. New creation arises from the mutilated mass, beautiful, perfect. Thump, thump. Life flows in every direction spawning new sensations that can only be explained by the rapturous look of pure joy spanning across the millions. New life, new gifts. The heart is crystalline, washed in blood that is not its own. A pure blood, a sacrificial blood. Holy blood. God Almighty has taken the heart and carried away its pain, its scars, its corporeal mementos. Kissing them away until only hope and faith and love remain. Driving away the deadly thoughts, the scattering deeds. The heart is stronger, more alive in its death than it ever was in life. Breathing in the crisp air, the body feels the change, knows it will never be the same. Mind cannot comprehend the enormous gift it has received. It will never fully understand how tainted flesh became pure love.

Oh, it gasps. The rapture, the brilliant joy. How? How can this be? Life unending is now mine, traded only for belief in a Son whose torturous death was willingly taken. My eyes are humbled by the broken body now taking on the form of an abused heart, a dark thought, a dirty deed. Taken so I will not have to endure it any longer. Humbled, I retrieve the heart, now cleansed of sin and lay it ever so tenderly at His perfect feet. For now it is no longer mine to keep, it belongs to my Savior.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Random thoughts of a 26 year old bum

I am sitting in Birmingham International Airport. I have driven 4 hours in a rental car to be here, and now I have a 2 and a half hour wait. But I don’t mind. I can catch up on my reading for my classes. I can call a couple of people to chat a bit. I can sit and think about what I am going to go next.

I am taking action. I am going to try my darnedest to move to Alabama. The way I see it, I can either try and fail or not try and always wonder. How will I know if I don’t try? I am going to start by looking for full time jobs that I can apply for online. The hospitals in Mobile have lots of openings. Some of the banks do online apps. If this is what God wants for me, He will open the door. All I can do is try.

I have been asked to work in the kitchen at the camp this summer. I am prayerfully considering this. I would do anything to be back at the camp. I love that camp. I love the ministry. I love the people. If I do not find a full time job in the next month, I will more than likely take it. But I also want to be sure that it is what God wants for me.

I am going to start going deeper into His Word. I am going to start scouring it for answers. I am going to turn back to God. I have become lazy in my studies of the Word. I am going to start writing in my prayer journal again. A quote I heard recently comes back to me often as I decide where to minister. "If they come here looking for Jesus and find only you, how disappointed are they going to be?" I need to refocus my life. I need to consider more of what God wants and less of what I want. I also need to learn to accept it when things do not go the way that I want them. I need to learn to be happy in all of my circumstances whether I am in Texas or Alabama or wherever I may end up.

Leaving Alabama gets harder and harder. I feel like I leave a little piece of my self there every time I go. I leave it with all the people I know down there. I love my camp brothers and sisters. I know I keep saying that, but it is so true. I feel like I have gained so much from them. Their perspective on life never ceases to amaze me. They are so refreshing to be around because of their zeal for life and their wild abandon. They are so carefree and funny. I laugh more when I am with them than with anyone else I know. I want so much to be the role model for them that I should be. I want them to be able to come to me when they have problems. It would break my heart, probably irrevocably, if I was never to see any of them again this side of Heaven.

I am really glad I decided to stay and go to church. This past Sunday was the last Sunday for my preacher in Alabama. He has decided that God has other work for him so he resigned and is taking a leap of faith. He is someone I hope to remain in contact with for the rest of my life. He is a good teacher and great friend. Shadow Lawn Baptist will never be the same.

I am a little confused. I will decide on a course of action and I will think it is what I am supposed to be doing. I will then start working at it and find another avenue or I will come against opposition. I am getting to the point where I cannot keep my head clear and keep everything straight. I feel like there are so many options coming at me. I am beginning to become overwhelmed. I never feel like I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing except for those rare occasions when I am.

I want to end with this final thought for all my friends in Alabama. I have gone to Alabama 5 times now. I think it is high time someone came to Texas. Think about it. We always have an extra bed waiting. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Relient K still rocks at 3am.

I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything. Mainly because there wasn't anything to say.

I am in Citronelle for the weekend. I had to fly into Birmingham and rent a car to get here, but I am here. I fly back Monday night. We had a staff retreat this weekend at the camp and it was a blast. I had so much fun reminiscing with my dearest friends. I love each and every one like they are my own brothers and sisters. They are the coolest teenagers on the planet Earth. Hillshire! Farm! Go Meat!

I have decided that I want to be here permanently. I am going to start looking for full time jobs that I can apply for on the Internet. I am going to start trying to make more contacts. I have been praying about this for a long time and I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. So I have decided to take action.

Part of it is because of an interesting conversation with a man I met at the bank the other day. His name is Wahoo. Kid you not, that is his name. He is a Native American preacher. Long story short, he prayed with me and encouraged me to really try to move back if that is what I want. It is.

Until I can get back here, I am subbing at the school my mom works at. Right now I am only helping out with covering the class of my mom's teaching partner, but I am hoping maybe I can help out the rest of the school year or until I get back to Alabama. Which ever comes first.

So for now, I am sitting in a dorm all by myself, listening to Escapepod and dog tired from being up until 4:30am (thanks to Alex, Mea and Kayla). I think I am going to go to bed now. Thanks for reading.