Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Man, I have a headache...

I was planning on writing a blog yesterday about how well my uncle was doing, but we found out yesterday afternoon he was going back into surgery today. He just got out and is doing fine. He will spend the night in ICU but the doctor is hopeful. Thank to all those who were praying for us.

In lighter news, I have a job lined up for next school year. I am going to be the teacher's assistant in the 2 yr old class at the school I sub for. It doesn't start until August so I am going to see if I can work in the extended day program this summer. I am very excited. It will be so much fun and I will get to work with a really great teacher.

So now I am sitting in the surgery waiting room. We are waiting to find out which room he will be in. Because he will be in ICU, we won't be able to visit him until 8pm. Of course, I don't think he will be very coherent this evening. If you had a part of your scull removed and then had your brain drained, you would be a little out of too. Wouldn't you?

So there you have it. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Update on my uncle

He got out of surgery fine. The medication they had given him made it possible to do a less invasive surgery. He is now back in his room and we are taking turns seeing him. Of course, he is still out of it but he is fine. Thank you to all those who were praying. Roderick, thank you so much for calling me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Thanks for reading.

So here I am...

So here I am sitting in a hospital waiting room. My uncle is having brain surgery today. He has swelling and bleeding on his brain. They are going to go in and try relieve it. They tried medication but it didn't work.

So here I am worrying but feeling like I don't have anyone to confide in. I can't talk to my best friend. My other friend is inaccessible. I feel numb. But that is not too surprising. I have felt numb for a while. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever feel anything again. That is not entirely true. I do feel things. I felt happy yesterday.

So here I am listening to Relient K. They are my favorite band. I love their lyrics and their guitar riffs. They are the band I turn to when I need comfort. I guess maybe that is what I need. I need comfort.

So here I am. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

This is what it feels like...

I have been working on this post for two days now. There is so much going on in my life; I feel I am letting down all those who read. I really have no excuse for not writing. I am at a place in my life where I am having to deal with things and some days I have trouble with that. God is working on my heart and my resolve. So in light of all that, let me give you a bit of good news. I have been offered a job at the school I sub at. It wouldn't start until next school year and the pay is really bad but it would be more than I make now. I am really excited it about it. I haven't accepted yet, but more than likely I will.

I have found a song that is so perfect for the way I feel right now. Every time I listen to it, I feel as though God is speaking to me. He is telling me that He is here with me. He knows the pain I feel. He knows how my heart breaks almost daily. He knows my shame and He knows my worry. He knows I feel remorse for the pain I have caused to another. He knows my desires. He knows that with His help I will make it through this. I will feel human again someday.

The song is Losing Control by Audio Adrenaline. It is from their Until My Heart Caves In album. Audio A has been one of my favorite bands since I was in high school. They never sold out to the secular world and always kept the Gospel in their music. I was very sad to hear they were breaking up. I would have loved to have been at the last concert in Hawaii. Can you imagine?

There is only one line in the song I cannot relate to. It says. "This is what it feels like for a man to cry." I am not a man so therefore I would not know what it is like for one to cry. I have put the lyrics below. I really recommend you listen to the actual song because the lyrics have much more impact with the music and Mark Stuart's voice. I really wanted to put the song somewhere on here so readers could listen to it. Apparently, I am not computer savvy enough to do that. The only thing I could find was a Highlander montage on YouTube. It really doesn't do the song justice. You can go to imeem.com and search for it there. They have a complete version of it.

"Losing Control"

This is what it feels like
To lose control
This is what it feels like
To be left alone
This is what it feels like
To lose a friend
This is what it feels like
To reach the end

God came down
And walked beside me
God came down
He sent friends to guide me
God came down to remind me
This is what it feels like
To be loved

This is what it feels like
To face the truth
This is what it feels like
To know it's through
This is what it feels like
To say goodbye
This is what it feels like
For a man to cry

On a personal note: I would like to say something to a dear friend if he is even still reading my blog. To my dearest friend, you know who you are. I am so sorry for hurting you. I pray someday we will be friends again. Until that time, I miss you and pray you are well.

There is so much more I could write, but I need to finish making dinner. We are having meatloaf. And I am not sure I have all the words to say everything I want to anyway. I will try to write a more coherent and upbeat post next time. Until then, thanks for reading.

Monday, April 7, 2008

The rhythm of my soul...

I have been going through a particularly hard time recently. Please don’t ask for details because I am not ready to talk about it. To be honest, I am not sure I will ever be ready to talk about it, but I have made an interesting observation.

I was feeling very down on the way home from the evening service on Sunday. I was struck by the revelation I had lost a dear friend, possibly forever. I didn’t want to cry. I just kind of felt blank or numb. It was kind of like the feeling one gets after learning of the death of a loved one and after the first round of tears. I guess you could call it disbelief or resignation.

The CD in my stereo when I got in my car was an old Amy Grant. I really like it, but it has lots of sappy songs on it and I was just not in the mood. I traded it out for the Wake Up! Wake Up! album from Everyday Sunday. Now they are not a heavy metal band but they do have some amazing rock songs.

As I was driving home, I listened. At points, the guitars seemed to be beating themselves against my emotions. It was like they were trying to beat some feeling back into my soul. It was as if the music was feeling my pain and was trying to empathize with me. Trying to comfort me in some way. I realized this is why I love rock.

Since before I owned my own stereo, I have loved music. I own more than 400 CDs ranging from classical to dance to hip hop to country to rock. And as long as I can remember, I have listened to whatever suited my mood. If I feel hyper, I listen to Relient K or FM Static. If I feel mellow, I listen to Michael W. Smith or Casting Crowns. If I feel rebellious, I listen to MxPx. If I feel nostalgic, I listen to Three Dog Night or Tom Petty. If I feel sentimental, I listen to Toby Keith. Ask me any mood and I can name a band I would listen to.

I didn’t realize until that evening it is because they seem to speak to something inside of me I am unaware of. It almost seems as if the sound frequencies resonate with something inside me. Almost like an actual physical reaction to sound stimuli.

There have been times when I wanted to listen to music but I couldn’t find anything to suit my mood. Maybe it is because I don’t have that one album with that specific frequency I need. I may have to do more research on the subject. Thanks for reading.