Thursday, May 15, 2008

A mother's arms...

The terror of becoming a mother struck me today. I was overcome with doubts as I watched the children in Montessori playing this morning. Will I be a good mother? Will my children love me? Will I be capable of caring for them? Will I know what to do? I was seriously concerned. I could feel my fear in the pit of my stomach and taste it at the back of my tongue. I was plagued with it all morning.

On the playground, one of the little boys started crying for no apparent reason. I picked him up with the intention of talking to him to see if I could find out what wrong. But when I did, he snuggled into my chest and laid his head on my shoulder. He was just sleepy and wanted rest. He trusted me, someone who is not his mother, to keep him safe and warm as he slept in my arms. As I held him, I could feel his tiny heart beating against my chest. A rhythmic reminder of how precious he is. I was struck by the fragile miracle I held in my arms. I wondered that if he was my son, would his heart be beating in time with mine? The desire for my own children washed over me and cleansed me of my fear. In that moment, I knew I wanted to be a mother, fear and all.

I am ready to be a mom and a wife. I am ready to start a family with a man who loves me. I am tired of living for just me. I am ready for the responsibility of caring for a tiny human. It is still a tad scary, but I know I will have help. I have a wonderful family to help me. I have a gracious God who is always looking out for me. I know it won't be easy, but I can only imagine how wonderful it will be.

These may seem like odd thoughts for someone who doesn't even have a boyfriend. But this is something I think of quite often. I see the little ones who will be in my class next year. I watch my cousins as they care for their children. I am awed and amazed at what I see. I long for it. I pray daily for it. I know God knows my wants and desires. My responsibility is to live for Him as best I can. I need to refocus my life back to the Great Provider. He will supply my every need. It should be a comfort to me to know He is working in my life to lead me to what He has planned for me. I am excited to see where He may take me. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


It is raining. A good old slow soaker kind of rain. The air is just chilly enough to need a light sweater. The air smells clean, scrubbed of its pollutants. Every once and a while, I get a little chill. I am thinking about making a cuppa. Some hot tea would be a pleasant treat on such a day.

I subbed in the fourth grade today. At this school, the fourth and fifth grade classes go to a different teacher for different subjects. The teacher called me at 7:15 this morning. I was still in bed, but I was on the road by 7:35. It was an easy assignment. I watched the beginning of The Waterhorse four times. I still have no idea how it ends, but I am very familiar with how it starts.

I am subbing in Montessori tomorrow and Friday. I love subbing in this class which is good because it will be the class I am a teaching assistant for next year.

I should be writing a research exercise right now. My summer class started this Monday. It is the History of the Christian Church I. I have a paper to write every week. I apparently am the only worried about it. Everyone I tell this to says I will have no trouble writing. If I think about it, they are right. I love to write.

I have been thinking about old friends this week. I miss them and long for the camaraderie and fellowship they brought. I have thought about contacting one, but I am too much of a chicken to call him. I am not sure how my call would be received, nor what I might find at the other end of the line.

It is raining. The gray skies weigh heavy on my soul. The poet within me is restless and stirring. I can feel the words filling up my mind and fighting to get out. But they are vague and formless. They are merely sensations, feelings, grievances. I am tired and bored. I would like to call a friend to go grab a cup of coffee or see a movie. It is raining. Thanks for reading.

Monday, May 12, 2008

A quandary?!?

I have come to a conclusion. I am an attractive person. I have many attractive features and abilities. I can cook. I am intelligent. I am kind and generous. I genuinely care about people. In the last few months, I have had many complete strangers tell me I am beautiful.

So the question is: why doesn't anyone ask me out? I have posed this question to many friends and family members and I have been given many different answers. Some have said maybe guys are intimidated by my beauty. (For the sake of my vanity, I do not think this so. At the risk of sounding conceited, yes, I am attractive, but I am not a drop dead gorgeous supermodel.) Some have suggested I am not around eligible bachelors enough. (This one I agree with. Anybody know how to meet single Christian men without use of the Internet or church hopping?) In high school, my best friend told me I was too selective. I am beginning to see she may have been right. (Is it a crime to know what I want?) One person even told me I was too perfect. (Huh? Me, perfect? Far from it.)

So as you can see, I have quite a quandary on my hands. I have a lot to offer, but no takers. I have decided to try to give this over to God. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He has the perfect man waiting for me somewhere. Do I know him, yet? Maybe, maybe not. Am I ready to meet him? Yes. This is a daily struggle for me. I am not getting any younger and I can feel the press of time starting to suffocate me. I pray daily for God to guide and direct my thoughts and my actions so I may be a better Christian. I pray for the man who will someday be my husband so he may be strengthened. So while I am single, I will try to enjoy it. But I can't help but look forward to my wedding day. Thanks for reading.

Monday, May 5, 2008

The sun always comes out!!!

Yeah, I know. It has been a while since I wrote and even longer since I wrote anything good. But the good news is the situation with the friend has been remedied and I am over that; my uncle is on the mend and may go home by the end of the week; and I now have a really good shot of moving out this July. So no more depressing and dark posts. Yea!!

I am very excited about my new job. I will be a teacher's assistant in the 2 yr old class. I am very excited to be working with these kids. The teacher is about my age and we get along great. She was so relieved when she found out I would be the one working with her next year. This job doesn't start until August so I needed something to get me through the summer so I am going to work in the extended day program at the school. I will be on a break from classes after July 4th so I will start looking at apartments then. I am so excited. Hee hee!!

The weather today has been ominous. Amarillo has been surrounded by storms all day. The air has teased me with its elicit promises of moisture but it has failed miserably at keeping that promise. I miss the rains of Alabama. When it promised rain, it delivered with so much force, you almost felt as though you were drowning. I miss that. I miss precipitation. I miss green things, even.

They say it may rain tonight after midnight. I would love to stay up and see if it really does, but alas, I have to get up early to substitute. I miss listening to the rain on the roof. I miss smelling ozone as it wafts through the air and the gentle rumble of thunder. The Panhandle is infamous for severe thunderstorms but as of right now, we haven't had any. I love a good thunderstorm. *sigh*

Tomorrow evening, I am going to the drive-in with family. We are meeting at my aunt's house. We will then load up my cousin's truck with pillows and food and then head to the drive-in at dusk. We are watching Iron Man and Drillbit Taylor. I am very excited. I love going to the drive-in. Especially with my cousin and his truck. So fun!!!

Well, that is all I can think of to tell and it is time to watch "Big Bang Theory" so thanks for reading!