Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Treading the halls of sanity...

Just off the border of your waking mind,
There lies another time,
Where darkness and light are one.
And as you tread the halls of sanity,
You feel so glad to be unable to go on.
I have a message from another time.

Prologue by Brave Saint Saturn

I feel weird today. I was staring at a door frame earlier and it started vibrating. No matter how many times I looked away and looked back, it was always vibrating. Like it was an illusion trying its best to stay together. I feel like I am disconnected from my body. Like this is not really reality. Like I am part of something I don't even realize..like the Matrix but weirder.

I dreamt last night about a former co-worker chasing black and white kangaroos down the highway so I am pretty sure I am in the right reality. Or am I? Maybe what I think is "normal" is just someone else's dream.

I have had a funny plasticky taste in my mouth all day. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and I am laying on a table somewhere with a tube down my throat. Or maybe I was in a terrible accident I can't remember and I am laying in a hospital bed barely hanging on to life.

Or maybe I am just tired. I feel tired, but it is a funny kind of tired. I don't feel like sleeping. I just feel like staring off into space. Sitting as still as possible. Seeing what happens. To see if I can stop all sensation in my body. To see if I can make myself completely numb.

I have no reason to feel numb. I just want to see if I can do it. I have this strange awareness of my body today. I can feel my flesh clinging to my bones and my skin doing its best to hold it all together. It is a very unsettling awareness. I am beginning to wonder if this is a lingering side effect of my previous depression like the nagging cough that remains after a cold.

Or maybe I just feel weird. Thanks for reading.

Monday, January 5, 2009

I am resolute...

For those of you who read my last post, I am doing much better now thanks to my best friend. He always seems to know exactly what I need.

I went back to work today after two weeks of glorious laziness. I was sad to see my freetime ending but I woke up this morning excited about going back to work. I didn't realize how much I missed my students until I saw their trusting little faces today. Of course, this makes my New Year's resolution even harder.

I have decided for my resolution this year I am going to get a better job. I need to do what is the right thing for me and I feel this is it. I do not want to leave because I love my students and really enjoy working with my partner. I will miss my students and co-workers terribly.

I am doing this because there are things I want that I cannot afford at this time. I want to be able to stay in my apartment. I want to get Internet. I want to get a dog. I want to be able to have regular manicures.

I know this sounds selfish, and to a degree, it is. But I am the type of person who will bend over backwards to make everyone around me happy, usually at the risk of making myself miserable, and I have decided it is time for me to start making me happy.

Wow...that sounds really conceited and cold. Well, maybe that is the way I am. Or maybe I am just ready to start living my life the way I want to live it. Thanks for reading.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Falling inside the black...

~Don't leave me here like this. Can't hear me scream from the abyss.~Falling Inside the Black by Skillet

My ears are ringing from the beating I gave them from cranking Skillet in my car. My eyes are heavy and wet with unshed tears. My stomach is bloated from the sugar and fat I have been shoving in my face to suppress the pain. The abuse is the physical evidence of the attempts to fill the gaping hole in my soul.

Today is January 1. I am fighting the despair that seems to possess me. It is a new year. Will this one be better than last year? Who knows? Is my depression temporary? More than likely. I think it is a mixture of holiday blues, loneliness, rebellion and the desire to not return to work.

I will probably feel better tomorrow. Thanks for reading.