Friday, October 10, 2008

Fatty, fatty two by four...

There is nothing like school pictures to shatter your self-image. Now, I don't think I am ugly. There are even some days when I feel like I might even be pretty. But every time I see a picture of myself, I have trouble believing that for a while.

We got our school pictures to day. My individual ones aren't too bad, but the group pictures...ugh. Just thinking about them, I can feel my self-esteem drop another point. I look huge. In the faculty picture, I am standing next to a pregnant woman and I am bigger than she is!!! Every time I see a picture like this, I wonder if I really look like that to other people. I don't see myself as that big when I look in the mirror. Does the camera really add ten pounds?

I always try to explain it away. The lighting is bad. The angle is bad. I shouldn't have worn that particular outfit. Maybe I look so big because I am sitting next to 2 year olds. But deep down, I know that there is at least some truth in the image before me.

I have always struggled with my confidence. Ever since I hit puberty and lost my youthful thinness, I have be kind of sensitive about how I look. When someone tells me I look nice, I rationalize in my mind that they are just being nice or just like the shirt. When someone, especially a man, tells me I am beautiful, I blush and stammer out a thank you. Then I wonder if they really mean it or if they are just trying to get something from me.

The other night I was watching Biggest Loser. When the contestants weigh in, they are wearing very little clothes. You can see the rolls and imperfections of their bodies. I remember thinking, "I could never show myself on national television like that and I don't even weigh 200 pounds." I remember thinking how self-righteous of me. Maybe God is trying to remind that I am not perfect either. I'll admit, I could stand to lose a few pounds. I had a doctor tell me one time I needed to lose 40 pounds.

Well, I guess that is all the self-deprecating things I think of. Thanks for reading.

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