Sunday, February 8, 2009

Musings of a wondering heart...

The air is thick and sweet with moisture today. There is a chill breeze blowing across the city. Heavy gray clouds hang in the sky like pieces of conversation. Occasionally, they share a word or two with us.

The promise of spring is teasing me, kissing my hair, caressing my cheek. Winter quickly slaps away its hand, but the memory lingers.

I long for sunny days and warm nights. I long for time with friends, laughing and enjoying each other's company. I long for flip flops and shorts. I long for summer.

Having been born in the summer, I am a child of the summer. I need the sunshine to make it through the day sometimes. I need the longer days. I feel sick and weak when the sun sets at five o'clock in the evening.

Winter is always hard for me. Especially January when it seems the sunshine is dying and the world will never wake from its icy slumber. I often have to fight depression and loneliness during this time.

But spring is around the corner and soon the sounds of birds and the smell of fresh grass will overwhelm my senses again. Spring always brings with it the promise of new things and fresh starts.

I think I will go to China this summer with my church. They go every year to work at an orphanage and fellowship with college students. It would not be an easy trip. I will have to raise close to $3000. I will have to miss the family reunion and a wedding. The emotional toll will be great. I have a soft, kind heart that is easily bruised by the cruelty and despair around me. But I feel I need to go.

That restlessness is settling into my bones again. The desire to just drive and see where I end up. Last time that happened, I quit my job, spent 10 weeks in Greenville SC, worked a month in Alabama and then moved to Alabama. I wonder where it will take me this time. But it is different this time. This time, I don't want to do it alone.

I'm finding I don't want to do alot of things alone. Watching movies, eating out, driving. There have been times when my bed seems so big and empty, even though it is only a full size. I am even beginning to not like being in my apartment alone. When the weather is nice enough, I will sit on my balcony just to listen to the world around me.

I suppose I have no more musings for you today. I am sure I could think of some but it is time for me to meet with my family for a meal. Thanks for reading.

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