Friday, November 16, 2007

In the wee hours...

It is late and I cannot sleep. I should be very tired because I went to bed after 2am and got up at 7am. I tried to go to bed but the reality of things to come hit me like a sucker punch to the chest.

I am going home. I am tucking my tail between my legs and going home. If things work out, I will only be gone a month and a half to two months. If things don't work out, there are lots of people I love dearly who I may not see again for a very long time, many of whom don't seem to care.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't get myself established. I have failed. Mom keeps reassuring me I have not failed, but I have trouble believing her. I came here for a specific reason and have failed to fulfill it.

I am relieved I will not have to spend the holidays away from family, but it is a bittersweet relief. I already miss all the Alabama people and I am not leaving for four more days.

I think part of my hurt comes from the fact that only one or two people seem to actually care that I am leaving. One of them actually offered me the double wide her daddy owns, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to afford it.

Tomorrow night is going to be hard. It is the last Friday I will be here and, as of yet, I will be spending it alone. Life just seems to be moving on for everyone else and I am fading into the etheral mists of time. There will be no farewell party or big send off. I will simply slip away into the predawn hours, alone and heartbroken.

My faith in God has waned. It was so strong when I got here. I had so many expectations and aspirations. They are gone now. They have been replaced by tears and frustrations. I have tried so hard to keep up my faith. Oh God, why?

Before I come back, I will need at least two things: a place to live and a better job. I want to believe God will provide these, but the view from here is clouded with doubt.

Well, I have cried for the last hour and vented most of my pain. I will again attempt to slip into dreamland. Thanks for taking the time to read my pity party. I promise the next post will not be this depressing.

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