I had trouble getting out of bed today. I have had a massive headache that comes and goes since Sunday. It makes me dizzy and nauseous. Every so often my vision gets blurry. But that is not the only reason I couldn’t get out of bed today. I couldn’t get out of bed because I am tired emotionally. I am heading into a depression. I can always feel them coming on like some people feel a cold coming on. First there is the desire for things to be the way they were. Then comes the irritability where I snap for the littlest reasons. Then comes the feeling that no one in the world wants me and the cynicism directed at everything. This is followed by the feeling of being utterly alone even when I am surrounded by people. Sometimes I think if I don’t get out of bed, I can stave it off and I will not have to deal with it. I have learned to recognize the signs and most of the time, I can stop it before it gets out of hand.
But I did get out of bed this morning which is a good thing because staying in bed is really not the best answer. It would really only make things worse. I had to sub today. I felt better once I got to school. Children have a way of making an adult feel better with the smallest gestures. One little girl came up and told me she wanted to give me my Valentine present early. It was a big hug.
I usually have an episode of depression around Valentine’s Day. I have never had a Valentine to share the day with so consequently I am a little jaded about the day. I struggle with my singleness and this day only serves to further frustrate me. I am continually praying to God to send someone my way or give me a peace about being single. I am still working on it.
It also doesn’t help that my grandpa died on Valentine’s Day. He was my hero and even two years later I still miss him. He was a great man of God and always had a smile. He loved his family even though I don’t ever remember him actually telling me that he loved me. I just knew he did. I knew I could always turn to him when I needed to.
Over the years I have come to realize it is these episodes that push everyone away from me. Most people don’t understand me. I am an emotional person. I am also very passionate. I love people and sometimes I love them too strongly and it scares them. I have a tender heart and I am reluctant to share it with people because I bruise easily. Usually these episodes only last a couple of days, but sometimes they drag on. That is when I begin to say things and do things that push people away. So really it is my own fault I have very few friends. I have learned as an adult to deal with it, but it is still a struggle. One that I am tired of fighting alone.
Some of you may be wondering why I would write about such things. Writing has always been an out and an escape for me. I can pour my soul onto a piece of paper or computer screen, evaluate it and feel better about my conclusion. Words are the medium I use to paint the pictures of my life. It is therapy for me. Many have been the times when I have had a bad day and written an email to an understanding friend who knows that I just need to get something off my chest. I call it emotional vomit.
So with that lengthy intro, here is a piece I wrote during one of my episodes. Be warned: it is dark and unlike previous pieces, there is no mention of God. I think I was in college when I wrote it. Be aware this is not the condition of my soul all time. This is merely a window into a small part of my life. I really do have times when I am happy and convivial. I just also happen to have times of deep sadness and torment and these seem to be the ones people remember. Please do not judge me for something you may not understand. This may be the last piece I post for a while so enjoy. Thanks for reading.
I Cry Alone
I cry alone
Encased in my cotton peace,
I cry alone.
Each sob rends open my soul.
I am scorned and I am hated.
There is nothing left for me
But friendly betrayal.
I cry alone
In my dark expanse
Where no one can hear
My soul shatter into a million pieces.
Oh, yes, I cry alone.