This is what it feels like...

I have been working on this post for two days now. There is so much going on in my life; I feel I am letting down all those who read. I really have no excuse for not writing. I am at a place in my life where I am having to deal with things and some days I have trouble with that. God is working on my heart and my resolve. So in light of all that, let me give you a bit of good news. I have been offered a job at the school I sub at. It wouldn't start until next school year and the pay is really bad but it would be more than I make now. I am really excited it about it. I haven't accepted yet, but more than likely I will.

I have found a song that is so perfect for the way I feel right now. Every time I listen to it, I feel as though God is speaking to me. He is telling me that He is here with me. He knows the pain I feel. He knows how my heart breaks almost daily. He knows my shame and He knows my worry. He knows I feel remorse for the pain I have caused to another. He knows my desires. He knows that with His help I will make it through this. I will feel human again someday.

The song is Losing Control by Audio Adrenaline. It is from their Until My Heart Caves In album. Audio A has been one of my favorite bands since I was in high school. They never sold out to the secular world and always kept the Gospel in their music. I was very sad to hear they were breaking up. I would have loved to have been at the last concert in Hawaii. Can you imagine?

There is only one line in the song I cannot relate to. It says. "This is what it feels like for a man to cry." I am not a man so therefore I would not know what it is like for one to cry. I have put the lyrics below. I really recommend you listen to the actual song because the lyrics have much more impact with the music and Mark Stuart's voice. I really wanted to put the song somewhere on here so readers could listen to it. Apparently, I am not computer savvy enough to do that. The only thing I could find was a Highlander montage on YouTube. It really doesn't do the song justice. You can go to imeem.com and search for it there. They have a complete version of it.

"Losing Control"

This is what it feels like
To lose control
This is what it feels like
To be left alone
This is what it feels like
To lose a friend
This is what it feels like
To reach the end

God came down
And walked beside me
God came down
He sent friends to guide me
God came down to remind me
This is what it feels like
To be loved

This is what it feels like
To face the truth
This is what it feels like
To know it's through
This is what it feels like
To say goodbye
This is what it feels like
For a man to cry

On a personal note: I would like to say something to a dear friend if he is even still reading my blog. To my dearest friend, you know who you are. I am so sorry for hurting you. I pray someday we will be friends again. Until that time, I miss you and pray you are well.

There is so much more I could write, but I need to finish making dinner. We are having meatloaf. And I am not sure I have all the words to say everything I want to anyway. I will try to write a more coherent and upbeat post next time. Until then, thanks for reading.